A Boiler Plate Films of The Year List

Roll up roll up for my uninformed misguided opinion on the top five movies of 2010. Having written down my list I then checked out the usual Internet suspects and found to my horror that my list is as uniform as a well-oiled Korean sardine marching regiment. So whilst I have essentially nothing new to add I felt the blog would be somewhat incomplete without the cardinal end of year list. I wont be including much of a synopsis of any of the films because quite frankly you must have been living on another planet (intriguing) or you have been walking around with your fingers in your ears and your thumbs in your eyes (nut job).

Number Five: - Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, 7/10

Are there problems with this film? Yes, there are many but it had something that loads of films this year lacked. An overriding sense of fun. Giddy teenage geeky fun. Enjoyment was further enhanced when I spotted an opportunity for a drinking game to lubricate your passage past the final two evil ex’s (as the film does start to lag a bit by this point). As with all good drinking games the rules are simple: Make sure all players have some lemonade in their glass; Turn on the Film; at each point that a film/video game/TV show is referenced shout out the film/game/TV from which the reference comes; You are the winner well done, your friends must now take a drink. Make sure you have a bucket handy as the references come thick and fast from word go.

Number Four: - Shutter Island, 7/10

Shutter Island is a Martin Scorsese film that somewhat suprisingly, like the film above has a great sense of fun about it. What made this film stand out for me was the strength of the narrative which was almost classical in its approach. That is to say it was a real driven story that didn’t dally for a moment and only ever moved forward. The film was critisised by some reviewers for being as subtle as a brick sculpture of a brick with the word BRICK printed across it a point reinforced by the retro thriller soundtrack. However for me it was the lack of subtlty and straightforwardness that charmed me that was until the last scene which was like being struck round the head by the aforementioned sculpture.

Number Three: The Social Network, 7/10

I reviewed this here http://fluffandtoenails.blogspot.com/2010/10/social-network-710.html I liked it. A LOT. Once your brain adapts to the kamakasi speed of diaologue the film is quick witted and an excellent example of characters carrying a film. Jessie Eisenberg will go on to even better things and I look forward to seeing this film again to catch the wittisisms that whizzed by in the whirl pool of words the first time.

Number Two: - Inception, 8/10

It is a Christopher Nolan film, need I say more…Evidently I should…Will I…No I don’t think so… You can still see inception at some Cinemas if you havn’t yet been go.

Number One: Toy Story Three, 9/10

I saw this in San-Francisco on the day that I was flying out to Sydney and I don’t know if it was lack of sleep, the thought of a 17 hour flight or that I am a big girls blouse (lets here it for 1970s homophobia!) but I found my self getting quite emotional. Not once, a well fained sneeze could have masked that. Not twice, “ooh there is something in my eye,” might have covered that. Three times: “I know she doesn’t look like she would but that girl just kicked me in the knackers.” Four times: “Ok It’s the film, I’m crying at the film. I know it’s a cartoon. What are you doing? No don’t text my dad. And what are YOU laughing at little girl, I’ll give you something to cry about!”

Expert Advice

Christmas TV and all the Trimmings

Ah Television, the saviour of Christmas. The well welcomed distraction from conversation, the cause of argument, the void into which we can stare as we pretend that we didn’t all just hear Grandma fart, the preoccupation that allows for all the beer to be drunk, all the Bailies to be consumed and quality streets to be mindlessly munched without any of the judgements that would be passed on any other day of the year. Is it co-incidence that John Logie Baird, the father of television was himself born like Christ on Christmas Day? Co-incidence? I think not! For those fact watchers amongst you this is a lie but my point stands.

When the Christmas schedules came out there was much condemnation from the tabloids who went ahead and ran their usual “it’s just a load of repeats” stories, predictably targeting their anger at the BBC. I’m not entirely sure what they were after Christmas really isn’t the time for avant-garde television for a number of reasons. One you will inevitably be drunk, Two, you will be talking over it, Three, you will be leaving the room to top up on crackers and posh cheese, Four, If the annual family argument erupts during the program and you are not centrally involved then you need to be able to follow both the argument and the accompanying program. Five, it needs to be snooze proof and must be therefore something so simple that a farmyard animal can follow or a repeat so you can fill in the food coma induced gaps with the memories of last Christmas. It is with this in mind that I don’t have any complaints with the Christmas scheduling except from that old bird spraffing on about sport that was frankly condescending in the extreme.

As always a great deal of this Christmas was given over to the soaps and come boxing day I found myself summarising plot points to family members who must have been napping through previous episodes. I was then asked how I knew so much about what was going on. Having not consciously watched any of the soaps I could only offer cultural osmosis as a rather scary hypothesis for my knowledge. In summery there was a lot of shouting, hair pulling, some guy living in a conservatory, some lass stabbing herself and no one having a particularly merry Christmas.

Channel Four was born to be the channel of the contrarian. It has been living up to this remit less and less of late so it was nice to see that the (once) controversial sit-com Peep Show dominated their Christmas Eve output. Easily missed documentaries gave way to the first Peep Show Christmas special and three ‘best ever’ episodes as chosen by ‘the great British public’ who, if this selection is to be extrapolated from love magic mushrooms and pissing in church. For me the genius of Peep Show is how the characters lead each other from the safe and mundane to the ridicules in so few steps that we could conceivably with only a few poor decisions find ourselves with the making of an episode. For Mark this year Christmas started with the family coming round and ended in the exiting of his Girlfriend, the breaking of a patriarchy and the shredding of a Christmas dinner. To describe the Christmas episode as being a parody of the soaps would be unfair to both as, if played straight, the script could be almost identical to the story lines of the Soap Trinity.

Other noticeable comedy came from the Royle Family whose characters are so enduring that we are more than happy to jump back into their lives once a year for a catch up and Just William which proved to be the turkey in this year’s selection box raising only a brief smile before being turned off mid flow. However I hope this doesn’t affect the progress of the show’s star Daniel Roche who was as excellent in this as in his previous role in Out Numbered.



The final stop of this festive fist of fudge fumble through the Christmas schedule is Top of The Pops. Thank God that the BBC resisted the advances of Mr. Cowell. Yes the show looks frankly a bit cheap when measured against shows such as the x-factor results shows but its classic format and the earnestness and excitability of those that come to perform on what they still class as an institution makes its once a year outing a real treat. Cee Loo Green, Elle Golding, Katy Perry, Plan B and Coldplay were all really great as was Jason Derulo’s wardrobe when he appeared looking like a black Freddie Krueger had fallen into the Tron machine.

I did also intend to include in this post the conclusion of all the reality TV shows that had their finals in the lead up to Christmas but as is the nature of these things who still cares? Not I. For when I tried to recall the name of the winner of X-Factor (let alone the runner up) I found myself heading to Google, a sure sign not to bother if you ask me.

I hope you all had a Happy Christmas and I will be back on a more regular footing come the New Year.

All The Best,

Matt Baker Mates His Sheep, One Direction Are Ploughed Down By Ann Widdecombe who is Being Hunted By Hounds

It’s the weekend, it’s way past pay day, it’s snowing like a “muva fuker” outside (or so I am reliably informed by my brother’s facebook status.) the result of the aforementioned being that it has been a weekend of intense TV viewing. All those jolly festive songs fail to sum up how tedious this can be.

The weather outside is frightful,
The TV is so inviting,
And Since we’ve no place to go,
We can watch a drawn out results show.

This week someone sneezed in the direction of Casa de X-Factor causing all contestants to be struck down by what is known in the biz as the snivels. Boo Fucking Hoo! I’m not saying that people shouldn’t moan about getting a cold. It’s fucking awful and the only way to find happiness in such a situation is to spread your misery by telling people how shitty you feel. BUT there has to be a line drawn somewhere and using ITV as your germy, moaning, woe is me mouth piece has to be crossing that line.

One Direction (who must surely now be the favourites to win this year) performed chasing cars which was fitting for a band made up of five lads who look like puppies. But we all know what happens when you let puppies play on the road, accidents happen and this week’s accident happened over on the BBC where Ann Widdecombe (of backward bigotry fame) got voted off, meaning that the British viewing public will no longer have the option of seeing a graceless homophobe being dragged around a dance floor by a man with presumably enough gay friends to warrant dropping her on her noggin.

Sunday, that was cold. So cold that I watched countryfile. Which always reminds me of Sunday visits to my Gran's, where we would be shushed whilst the weather was on so she could concentrate on the taking of copious notes. She would then consult this book to check the weather for anyone professing an interest in visiting her during the next week. She is a bit of an odd lady but bloody organised, may I suggest a role for her in government, transport secretary perhaps or snow tsar.

This weeks countryfile consisted of twinkle toes Durham darling Matt Baker mating his sheep and spreading his hay. So far so countryside. Next was hunting with blood hounds, sounds controversial? yes? Well not to worry they dodged this bullet by hunting a woman. So, not controversial atall you see.

Next week will be the jumbo x-factor results post Ooo I bet you can hardly wait.

Oh no its a top ten list...

Sorry that it has been so quiet on the blog front. I got a new job and the transition from dole bum to working lad has proved somewhat problematic for two reasons. One, the white devil dust that falls nightly and two, working is tiring, especially when you haven’t done any for months.

Anyway I’m back now so stop the moaning. There are however going to have to be some changes between now and the New Year. Both film and music reviews will be more sporadic in frequency due to the infantilising and broad nature of movie and music releases over the period of enforced festivity.

I know it may be a little too early for a best albums of 2010 list BUT you would be wrong. After having scanned the release schedule I can’t see anything of any merit on the horizon before the visit of the fat fella. So here it is; my top albums and songs of 2010 in, yes you guessed it, Haiku. I’m pretty sure this list won’t match any others out there as it is based purely on those albums that I purchased so I’m sure there are some really excellent albums missing. Feel free to let me know.

Cue the music: den ur du dur du du du…

Albums

Number 5: Yeasayer: Odd Blood


Their Odd Looking Folks
With an eclectic sounding
Ambitious Debut

Number 4: Bombay Bicycle Club: Flaws


Two albums, one year.
Flaws is the acoustic one
Masterful Construct

Number 3: Cee Lo Green: Lady Killers


Motown’s Back around
Cool as you like, though fuck you
Is ruined by curse.

Number Two: The Gaslight Anthem: American Slang


Working Class Rock Music?
Is What they say, I hear punk.
A mature album.

Number 1: Vampire Weekend: Contra


My most played tracks they
Come from this CD who knew
Itunes, it told me.



Songs

Number 1: Katy Perry: California Girls


California Girls,
We’re unforgettable and
I bet your singing.

Number 2: Eminiem ft Rihana: Love the Way you Lie


If feels almost real
Hip Hop so rarely gets close
Production is Fab

Number 3: Foals: Spanish Sahara


“Lads, Do we need a
Chorus,” “I don’t think we do.”
“And that’s the single?”

Number 4: Dan le Sac + Scrubious Pip Five Minutes


Story Telling rap
Understated and touching
Intelligent? Yes!

Number 5: The Drums Lets Go Surfing


Whistle it away
In a car in the summer
You will feel happy.

Take Away Those Children In Need

Children in Need, X Factor, The Trip



Children in Need (It’s Charity/10)
When I was wee my family always had a Children in Need/Red Nose Day tradition that I have carried on, but now that I am older and more cynical it really isn’t that nice and I don’t want you to judge me for it.

We order take away!

We sit in our warm house and gorge ourselves on the best of grease in a box and watch those hungry unfortunate blighters until we feel bloated and guilty enough to donate. Just a couple of quid mind, not the value of the take away we couldn’t possibly afford that.

But we shouldn’t let cynicism effect traditions, just ask the pope.

If it makes you think better of me this year’s takeaway was pretty poor. We were staying in the countryside you see and the problem with ordering ethnic food in the country side is that there is no one from a relevant ethnicity to cook it. The only Indian that I have seen in the town is an accountant and I am reliably informed it would be counter to good race relations to expect him to be able to cook a curry let alone deliver it. When I once raised the lack of ethnic diversity it was pointed out to me that a gentleman on a neighbouring farm had started breeding alpaca, so I guess things are improving.

Anyway back to the Idiot Box:

This year’s award for the most genuinely amusing skit goes to Coronation Street and Eastender’s who offered up not their usual tongue in cheek musical number but a mini sit-com which saw the inhabitants of aforementioned areas partaking in a cultural exchange. Highlights included an Asian off between the two soaps Indian families, (think goodness gracious me in reverse) and one up man ship between Gail ‘the Gerbil’ Platt and her Eastender’s counterpart on the subject of who married the biggest psychopath.

The news casters put in their usual amount of effort, but it was disappointing to see the male newsreaders take a backseat to the girls. Has Jeremy Paxman ever partaken in a musical number? I would personally donate very generously to see him singing a song of disproportionate joy to his personality.

X Factor 5/10

X-Factor exposed two things this week the first being the train of stupid that is Cheryl Cole and the genuine (as opposed to pantomime) nastiness of Simon Cowell.
Following Wagner’s performance Cheryl Cole decided to unleash some rehearsed fury on Wagner sighting some remarks that he had made to a journalist about her being from a council estate. Whilst this wasn’t the time and the place for grievance to be aired Wagner handled it brilliantly pointing out the unreliability of the British media and talking about her as a role model in glowing terms.

On a separate note they have obviously decided to continue to mispronounce Wagner’s name as some kind of joke, not only is this unbelievably rude it also makes them all look rather stupid as Wagner isn’t exactly an uncommon pronunciation. World famous composer, anyone? I don’t think that even the most ignorant of the panel isn’t aware of this.

Cheryl Cole, the ‘mentor’ of Cher Lloyd (you know the one who raps a bit and was looking slightly relevant at the start of the show). We were led to believe that this week John Lennon’s Imagine was chosen for her to sing by Cheryl, we were also led to believe that Cheryl (as we are with all the mentors) chose the cleaver spiral stair case staging. For those of you who didn’t know a spiral staircase was pertinent as it was modelled on that of the Bank St apartment shared by John and Yoko. Mr. Cowell clearly was aware of this and pressed Cheryl on her reasons for making the choice knowing full well that the choice hadn’t been hers and that she was clueless about its relevance but also knowing that she had to act as though the decision was entirely hers. For anyone still under any illusions that ‘mentors’ actually play much of a role I think this is some more evidence to contradict that script.

The Trip 4/10

I’ve decided. I don’t like it that much. The melancholy drama is genius but the improvised dialogue in the restaurants gets a little tedious.
I’m going to see Harry Potter tonight… Just so you know…

Back With Their Original Line Up and They Call This Progress?

Take That - Progress - 8/10

I am a 24 year old male. I don’t think that makes me a part of Take That’s immediate demographic. I have somehow managed to reach this stage of my life without really considering them in any depth, that was until their new album ‘Progress’ became the fastest selling album ever. Yes ever. Think of a truly great album, got it? This one has sold quicker. Go on try again; yep it beat that one too.

I arrive at this review with a limited knowledge of Take That. Here is what I know. Take That were formed in the early nineties by record exec types looking to form a boy band around a northern pub singer, bag of talent Gary Barlow. Progress was slow but the tried and tested ‘get the gays and the girls will follow’ approach to launching a boy band was taken (pre x-factor you must understand). Gradually they went from club act to ‘pop sensation’ with all the hysteria and tabloid drama that accompanies it. Many great pop songs later Robbie Williams left something happened involving a court case and then the remaining four called it a day. Gary Barlow continued to be talented and wrote lots of big selling songs for loads of UK artists Robbie Williams went stellar and Mark Owen try as he might didn’t really achieve much . An urban legend about Gary Barlow living in loving harmony with 90’s children’s TV presenter Andy Peters sadly proved not to be true and then a few years ago the band got back together and older and wiser made the amount of money they should have made the first time around. Without ridicules dance routines and trading on an air of credibility they targeted a wider audience, a fussy young family that shops at marks and spencer, you know the type. Then a couple of months ago it was announced that Robbie Williams would be re-joining reuniting the band’s original line up.

Having never listened to a Take That album I am sat at my keyboard in somewhat of a shell shocked stupor. It’s good. It’s actually very good. Excluding for a second the single ‘The Flood,’ the album closer resembles the work of late period Robbie Williams (you know the interesting stuff that no-one bought) and Damon Albern’s Gorrilaz than the drippy ballad territory that I expected. Is this an unusual turn? Someone tell me, I may have to buy another take that album. Gorillaz. Fuck me did I just compare Take That to Gorillaz…I did… I really did and I wasn’t doing it in a prickish way. That was a full blown genuine compliment.

Robbie Williams features heavily on the vocals and I imagine that he had a hand in some of the more esoteric lyrics. Gary Barlow, whilst I’m sure being heavily musically involved doesn’t sing as much as you would expect with Mark Owen taking more of a share than you would believe to be wise based on his thin vocal performance on previous singles, the god awful Shine being a prime example. In fact the more raw sound of Marks vocals are probably the best suited to edgier sounds on this album (Take That… Edgy sounds… Bloody hell…)

Album highlights are 'SOS' in which all the production toys are taken out of the box for Mark Owen and Robbie Williams to play with. Kidz would be amongst my favourites but for the fact that it skirts a bit too close to the Gorrillaz Feel Good Inc. (Which in turn I think has a questionably large debt to The Kinks Sunday Afternoon)

An album low point is ‘Affirmation’ which gives Howard a rare crack at the microphone with what sounds like an Ah-Ha B-side. However it is Album opener ‘The Flood’ which is for me the poorest track on the album. Its role as lead single strikes me as somewhat dishonest as it represents everything that Take That have been and not this new and relevant sound that the album goes on to play host to, though this may be the progress that the title declares.

It is unusual for an album by a mainstream pop act to have more than two or three quality songs all of which are inevitably released as singles. Seven good tracks out of ten is excellent and sures up Take That’s position as songwriters and musicians not merely pop play things.

If the Simpsons were Mexican Cannibals Teenagers Wouldn't Watch.

Somos Lo Que Hay - We Are What We Are 5/10

Upon entering the tiny screen eight at Newcastle’s Empire Cinema my heart sunk a little. I had persuaded the long suffering girlfriend to attend the performance, I had visited the local late opening pound shop and had secured the services of a pack of white Malteasers for mid film nourishment. Drifting in on cloud nine I was then struck by that noise that only teenagers can make. The entire back row of a screen of only five rows was occupied by chewing, loud-mouthed, overconfident and, I don’t say this lightly, (evidence to follow) shit for brained persons’ of assorted sex aged at around fourteen.

It was two minutes into the film when the first distinctly non-Chinese character spoke.

Girl One: “Urgh! Is it all in subtitles?”
Boy One: “You are fuckin’ kiddin’ mi like.”

A mildly humorous joke, perhaps? Then it went on.

Girl Three: “It’s ok, Chinese make better horror films than us so it should be ok.”
(Pause)
Boy One: “I’m not reading fucking subtitles for a whole film.”
Girl One: “I don’t understand French.”
(Group exits)

It was at about this point that I was able to concentrate on the film so it shall be from here that the review shall begin. For those of you who didn’t guess by the title the film is in the Spanish language. Not so obvious from the title is that it is the story of a family coping with the loss of their father, oh yeah and they just happen to be ritualistic cannibals imminently requiring their next feed.

Character wise I amused myself by likening them (with some success) to the Simpsons. The Dad character is Homer, useless and someone who the whole family would be seemingly better off without, that is until he is gone and it becomes clear that he is in fact the glue of the family. The mother is Marge, a tormented pragmatist desperate to keep her family together while pushing them away by being so controlling and not wanting to let anyone spread their wings. Maggie and Bart are the two brothers Bart the overly aggressive and unpredictable of the pair and Maggie the Machiavellian quiet type. Then there is the daughter, Lisa, the strangely attractive, (a friend of mine once described her as his ideal woman) know it all of the bunch and the person who really should be leading the family in most situations.

The pacing of the film is painfully slow, the lighting is so low that it is often difficult to know what is going on and the story makes no attempt to explain backstory or even events pertinent to the narrative, such as what the ritual actually is and what they believe it does. One redeeming feature was the sound track which sounded like it was being played by an orchestra of the dead locked in a basement.

It could be the case that I am stupid or, as I suspect, it could be the case that it is a foreign film with a pretty wide release, BBC and UK Lottery funding which means that reviewers are seeing more in it than is there. I’m open to interpretations of this film by others who have seen it send them in, I’m all ears.

It summery I will leave you with the comments of the guy sat along the row from me

“*snore, snore,”
Wife covers him with a coat
“snore, snore.”

If you want some Spanish Horror try this instead

Like Chucklevision with swearing or The Taming of the Shrew with jokes about buzzing off caffeine

The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (More4) 7/10

New Look, be the trend… Not from what I have seen of the place and put them clothes back on sharpish you nympho lynx shoppers and you Mr. Lenny Mole Face pick up the pace, play the song how we want to hear it and don’t try telling me you actually like the equivalent of Michael Bubble in French beverage form. I’m watching The Increasingly Poor Decisions of some bloke on 4od so have to sit through the adverts. Skip on through them you think, wield your mouse of power. Not on your nelly! The crafty buggers at channel four have put a stop to this flippant disrespect for the craft of the ad man unless of course you’re watching it on Virgin in which case please skip away. Richard Branson pays schools of African children to watch the ads so you don’t have to. Good to know your rocketing subscription fee is going somewhere, eh.



Anyway fuck up shut tard, here we go with the TV review.

The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret… Really already, fuck of Mr Cluny I don’t want one of your la de dar coffee’s nor do I require a monkey sim…At least I don’t think I do, though I’m not entirely sure what it is. It may be integral in some way not known to me, though I doubt it… … … Yes definitely not necessary…And the program is back on. Where was I? The increasingly poor decisions of Todd Margaret is a frolic of a sit-com starring and co-written by arrested development’s (which, by the way if you haven’t seen you should) David Cross.

The set-up is willingly and so obviously contrived but forgivably so in what is essentially a farce (think Chucklevision with swearing or The Taming of the Shrew with jokes about buzzing off caffeine). I will issue you a consumer warning at this point: If you see the first few minutes and think “er what the fuck! I’m not watching this shit,” then go with your instincts, this good sir isn’t going to be for you. What follows is twenty minutes of falling over, foot in your mouth humour and the building of a house of shit made with sloppy bricks of stinking lies that you know will tumble sometime soon.

Fish out of water humour along with some satirical elements are sprinkled like lucky charm’s marshmallows over the episode and clocking in at just over twenty minutes I won’t have a problem tuning in next week as for the rest of the series, we shall see.

As is de rigueur a quick opinion on the X Factor: This week I don’t even care enough to be snide about it. That is all, Au revoir.

Cee Lo Green: The Lady Killer: 9/10

Before we go any further there will be no jokes about Cee Lo Green killing ladies by lying on them. I doubt that it is original and you shouldn’t pick on a man about his weight.

For those of you who don’t know Cee Lo Green is best known as being two thirds of the partnership Gnarls Barkley (ok no more fat jokes, I promise.) but was writing and producing annoyingly catchy tunes before this. Chav-tastic and much parodied “Don’t you wish your girlfriend…” being the biggest hit that comes to mind.

‘The Lady Killers’ is Cee Lo’s debut solo album and has been generating plenty of talk receiving play across the commercial stations and on both Radio One and Two. The two singles that preceded the release of the album (Band of Horses cover ‘No One’s Going to Love You’ and ‘Fuck/Get You’) both hinted at a the album being a soulful affair, a back to roots sound owing more to Rhythm and Blues than Rhythm, Bass and Hip Hop swagger. This made the boastful, swaggering introductory track somewhat of a disappointment but not for long, in come heavy synthesised synths that morph into Spectoresque wall of sound strings over the course of the first track proper Bright Lights Bigger City. Next is ‘Fuck You’ which sounds like a bad mouthed Smokey Robinson track. To be honest I prefer the Radio edit of ‘Get You.’ I have heard it said that a good record is one that the listener is sure they have heard before ‘Fuck/Get You’ certainly fits this description and wouldn’t sound out of place on a crackling Motown LP.

Wildflower, has classy production and a great vocal performance but is one of a number of tracks that isn’t remarkable enough to maintain interest upon repeat listens. Classy production values make a return with Bodies and then we are right back to the retro feel of a polished horn section with vocals looming large in the mix. ‘Satisfied’ wouldn’t sound out of place in a Sammy Davies Jnr album.

The Motown vibe is brought back mid-album with ‘Fool For You’ and ‘It’s Ok’ and ‘Old Fashioned’ which are all songs with a timeless sound and lush velvet 60’s style production. The previously haunting No One’s Going to Love You is now reinterpreted to be warm and reassuring with layers of strings, a strong beat and understated guitar work. When Band of Horses tell me that no one is going to love me like they do I feel that the sentiment is mildly threatening and if I don’t heed their warning I will end up alone in a house of cats, but with Cee Lo, he is just letting me know that we are in a good place right now and I’m happy to snuggle down with him on that note.

This album could maybe have done with being two tracks shorter but other than that I am struggling to find fault. The production job is absolutely outstanding as is the song writing. What audience this album will attract is however a vexing question, Cee Lo’s hip hop/pop background means that he is marketed to a mainstream audience but the album may be better appreciated by a more specialist older crowd already acquainted with the music of Motown. My hope is that he does get the young listeners that are being courted and Motown is introduced to a new audience through this album.

Click on the link below to get your copy, it really is rather damn good.

No Film Blog This Week... Shock Horror, This is Why.

Those of eagle eye and time of plenty will have noticed the lack of a film post for this week. For those of you holding your breath for such a post (you really shouldn't, things have rarely run to schedule so far.) I have the following news. There will be no post. As support for this decision I list the films being offered by my local multiplex this week...

Jackass 3D: Struck me as being the re-airing of a very old joke. Like Del-Boy falling through the bar for the 1000th time. Millions would tell you that it is timeless and will always be funny. Millions are morons.

Due Date: "From the makers of the Hang Over" Based on the trailer for the hang over alone. I don't think I will be going to see this.

Saw 3D: I went to see saw one. I went to see saw two and three I even saw saw four but I really can't remember and had most certainly lost interest in it by then.

Burke And Haire: The trailer has a fart gag in it...

Despicable Me: I'm an adult and don't like kids, especially those in Cinemas. Though they are often better behaved than textathon teenagers, but only if the film is any good and of this I was doubtful.

That Film About Owls: You know the one with the unreasonably long title containing words which its target audience can't read or pronounce. You know that one. Yes the one with the owls. And the long title. Yes that one. No, I didn't fancy it either.

Paranormal Activity Two: BOO! did you jump? Did you?... ... ... ... ... BOO! How about now... ... ... ... BOO! (Ok if I am honest I jump like a flea, which seems to be the point of this film. I love to be scared by films not BOO! (I think you'll get what I mean.)

The Social Network: Seen it, see earlier review.

Let Me In: I watched the original last week and judging by the trailers it is a scene by scene remake for an illiterate audience. As a reader (Jennifer Yellow Hat no problem mate) I will not be wasting money on this.

So there... I think you will agree the ten quid is best kept in my pocket. So don't go to the Cinema this week read a book instead. This one's good.

A Partridge Taster Menu with Extra Cock au D'Affaires

The Apprentice 7/10
Alan Partridge: Mid Morning Matters 8/10
The Trip ???



So this is a little bit late (again), but I don’t care and neither should you. We all have lives away from the internet. Get off my back will you, you’re not my boss. Just fuck off. I’ve brought more to this team than anyone. I have given 110%, alright. I have worked my arse off since moment one, I really am the best person for this job and I have so much more to give.

You may have guessed that ‘The Apprentice’ is on again and whilst still enjoyable it does seem to have moved yet further away from its original concept. The early series would pit savvy decision makers against salesmen and strategists. The most recent series cast Nobs against Cocks and like in any fencing contest between two baloney ponies all participants end up looking stupid once the event has been edited and broadcast stressing not the sporting intention of the contest but frankly making the whole thing look a little bit gay.
Contestants this year are on the whole conforming to the following statements: Arrogance over Ability and Rhetoric over Action. Which, if any of the producers had done the maths they would have seen the result:

Ability=a= 4
Arrogance=g= 77344
Rhetoric=r= 1740240
Action=n= 45
(g/a)+(r/n) = (77344/4)+(1740240/45)=58008
Now turn the calculator upside down, and there you have it Boobs.

All the same humongous dicks are funny to watch although when we are honest we are all glad we don’t have one to work with (titter).

Last week saw the internet return of Mr Allan Partridge. Sadly Mr Coogan couldn’t be cajoled into another series featuring the hapless chat show host (or thankfully a film) wanting to instead cast off the character and move into film. However the money must have been right from Fosters who have sponsored a series of ten minute shorts from Partridge’s 'show' on North Norfolk Radio. It is basically all the best bits of foot in mouth fun without the narrative drama that accompanied the series. The quite brilliant Tim Key makes an appearance in this first episode and all in all the show provides a great coffee time chortle. The choice of format is interesting and I wait to see if it is judged to be a success.
Watch it here and drink some bland Australian beer http://goo.gl.n23cZ

Also Coogan was out and about on the telly with Rob Brydon in Episode Two of The Trip (Directed by no less than Michael Winterbottom). I still don’t know what to say. It is one of those comedies that you don’t laugh at and is therefore difficult to talk about. I have decided that I like it… Other than that I really don’t know. Feel free to contribute your own feelings on this one. I may actually write a proper review of it one day…

Swedish House Mafia: More Socially Conscious than their Italian Counterparts.

Swedish House Mafia: One: 8/10



You can write down all that I know about dance music on the back of a teeny weeny stamp and still have enough room to scribe upon the thing all the words that I know in German and my opinions on Jordon’s love life, though I think this ultimately would say more about your suggestibility than my knowledge of dance music which is what I was prattling on about in the first place. Basically read my opinions with trepidation and consult someone who actually knows what they are talking about before buying.

Swedish House Mafia are a group of DJs and producers who are as a matter of fact; Swedish, produce what I am reliably informed is house music and have no known connection to the Mafia. Their first album ‘One’ came out just last week but they have been doing the rounds for some time and used to knock about with scourge of radio one summer playlists Eric Prydz.

The album launches with for me what is the stand out track ‘Miami 2 Ibiza.’ (Excuse the text spelling, my brother listens almost exclusively to dance music and the track listing is thankfully more decipherable than his Facebook page.) Tinie Tempah provides the vocals which flow nicely and are sexy, witty and consumerist which is the name of the game these days is it not? (I have a black BM she has a white TT, She wants to see what’s hiding in my CK briefs.) One of the best things about this album is the breadth of music referenced by the many samples used including: You’ve got the Love, The Four Tops, Empire of the Sun, MGMT and Coldplay to list just a few.

There is enough pop sensibility in here to ensure that the group get mainstream radio play, can demand massive fees for their DJ appearances and maintain their reputation in the specialist market. For the more hard core dance fans there are tracks such as Knas and Teenage Crime but to my ears and those ears being so tragically uncool these tracks leave me cold and yearning for the return of vocals and recognisable samples.

As only a casual listener of dance music there is enough to maintain interest across the whole thing. Samples that catch you off guard and the excellent production quality of the album to me make all the four to the floor nonsense worthwhile.

Halloween Movie Reviews in Haiku

Here is my belated film post from last week. The long and the short of it is that there was nowt on at the cinema and I had somewhat overindulged in the spirit of Halloween, staying up far too late eating too many Wham! bars and watching far too many horror films in the days before and after the day of the pumpkin. The result of which was that I really didn’t know where to start so I present to you my ‘Halloween Movie Reviews in Haiku.’



The Human Centipede (2010)
What hasn’t been said?
An ugly concept it’s true!
Woman eats man’s poo.

Let the Right One In (2009)
Swedish child vampire
Makes just the one friend and kills
All others with lines.

Don’t Scream (2009)
The makers of Saw
Strike again bereft of class,
Humour or a script

The Haunting (1963)
Classic Horror chills.
Fear is best served cold, alone
and timeless in style

Alien (1979)
Quite a wait until
That scene that we have seen
Giger terrifies

Coraline (2008)
Don’t show this to kids!
Don’t show it to me again!
Nightmares await you.

I am quite far behind with this at the moment so… Tomorrow should be a double post with a review of my selection of the week’s TV and Swedish House Mafia’s album.

A Horror History X Factor Trip

X Factor 3/10
A History of Horror 9/10
The Trip ?/10

Simon Cowell’s personality is a vacuous cavern so deep that it is playing havoc with the studio’s acoustics. Either that or the sound engineers only previous experience working with microphones was at the karaoke night in a Mcloed Gauge, “More echo Frank, you really need it to create an atmosphere in here.” (Oh yes I did. That was a Joke that requires knowledge of historic lab equipment used in the study of Vacuums, big up to the chuckling geeks.) But really what the fuck is going on with that echo. This week there was only the one outstanding performance, that of Rebecca Fergusson who oozed class although the fawning over Cher Lloyds performance from Simon Cowell suggested that he has picked his winner. However, I believe that Satin’s geometric haired smug monkey was more pleased with the fact that Cher will toe the line than with anything relating to her stretched vocals.

A warning to those who found this review by googling something relating to the X-Factor I am now going to talk about a documentary shown on BBC4. If you are one of the aforementioned go on find BBC4 on your telly you might learn something… Mark Gatiss (of league of Gentlemen fame) has produced what can only be described as a wonderful three part documentary series in which he looks at the three golden ages of Horror cinema (Fuck off Eli Roth you’re not invited). All his enthusiasm for the subject comes across without him going all Louis Theroux with the interviews. If you are quick you can still catch it on iplayer along with a few of the films discussed in full. I wouldn’t usually advise such unwholesome viewing but watch the documentary first and it all the guts and gore seems somewhat justified.

Here’s one to watch. The Trip is a sit-com starring Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon. Playing themselves the pair go on a road trip together to review a restaurants in ‘The North.’ Just one episode into the series and I am withholding judgement until I have seen some more. I advise you tune in just in case you are missing something special, so far it could go either way.

Joe McElderry: Ambitions 4/10

Oh dear a whole day late, but if you had set yourself the task of reviewing what I had committed myself to reviewing this week you would have changed your bed sheets, rearranged your wallet, washed the neighbour’s dog, driven your granny to the whist drive and cooked a fiendishly difficult dinner before getting round to pummelling this keyboard.

Seeing as you can’t turn a page at the moment without seeing the X-factor why should I be the one to buck this trend. This week I have been listening to the tones of Joe McElderry (very quietly in headphones, God help me if anyone overheard). For those of you who don’t know Joe was the winner of the X-factor 2009. After winning the competition he released a cover of ‘The Climb’ a song made famous by Smiley Virus with more plush production than misery in a job centre.

The album starts off with single ‘Ambitions.’ To say that a reality TV star’s album opening with its single is usually a bad sign is somewhat of an overstatement, but here we are. The single however deserves to be remarked upon as it sees Joe move away from the ballads that he made his brand during his weekly TV appearances. Ambitions, like the majority of this album is disco with a big pink D, I, S, C and yes even the O. I can’t imagine that the folks at Cowell Towers were too delighted when Joe was announced as their winner. Grannies loved him, kids loved him and Newcastle loved him but these aren’t exactly the most committed of record buyers (unless he had slipped a version of the Blaydon Races onto his debut.)

After the opening track the album moves through over produced rockier moments, sing a long choruses, cringe worthy ballads (Superman being the main protagonist in this assault on decency) and officially ends on the Disney saturated The Climb. Now this is where the album gets really interesting. Let the CD run for 5 minutes and in thumps the crushing guitars of a cover of Rage Against the Machine’s Killing in the Name of showing that Joe has put all the unpleasantness of last Christmas behind him. You don’t believe me do you? It’s really there I promise.

Joe comes across as being the classic nice guy so it is a shame for him that come next year he will be more than likely be forgotten about replaced by someone less likeable but with more interesting songs.

Listen if you like: George Michael , Scissor Sisters and South Shields.
Stand Out Tracks: Ambitions, Until the Stars Run Out, Fahrenheit

The Social Network: 7/10

I will start this review with a bit of name dropping. About two years ago I met Jessie Eisenberg star of this week’s film ‘The Social Network’. He was at the Edinburgh film festival promoting the chronically poorly advertised Adventureland. He was, I am glad to report a thoroughly decent chap who was filled with excitement at being in Britain for the first time. We talked about the weather and the workings of the devolved government and I will say it again he was lovely. That night I went to the premier of Adventureland in which he played a character who was, yes you guessed it lovely. Which made his appearance as Mark Zuckenberg a man as famous for being an arse hole as a programmer raise an eyebrow.

The plot follows the story of the creation of Facebook through the litigation proceedings brought against its founder the brilliant but socially inept Mark Zuckerberg. The film is told in through flashbacks and in the words of Zuckerberg himself, the Winklevoss twins and facebook cofounder Eduardo Saverin.

The conversational pace of the film is frantic. The opening scene in which Zuckenberg gets dumped by his girlfriend sees a rally of words across the table quicker than a baseline battle between Nadal and Federer. Once I had tuned my ear to the frantic pace of the conversation I found the script to be filled with an intelligent dry wit that resulted in more laughs amongst the audience than I would have expected.

Reputation wise there are few winners as is often the case when business dealings are scrutinised. The Winklevoss Twins (or the Winklevie as Mark memorably refers to them) come out as numpties squared; Napster founder Sean Parker comes across as a bit of a chancer and a freeloader riding on the coat tails of Mark Zuckerberg, who is himself portrayed as cold and charmless but for a reprieve given to him in the film’s final scene.

The film has been criticised for taking liberties with the truth but quite frankly I don’t care this is an entertainment blog not a history blog. (If it were both I would tell you that Louis XV was the first person to use an elevator: in 1743 his "flying chair" carried him between the floors of the Versailles palace.) As a film the screen writer (Aaron Sorkin) and director (David Fincher) have done a great job at presenting what is essentially a court room drama in an intelligent way to as wider audience as possible.

Do you have the X Factor? No but I do have a massive wang.

The Inbetweeners Series Three 8/10
The X Factor 6/10

This week’s TV digest will focus on some nobs acting like pricks and some dicks singing in front of a panel of golden wangs. In honour of one (or both) of these programs it may also contain one or two phallic references.

So let us get started with the Inbetweeners. For those of you who don’t know the Inbetweeners follows some ‘typical’ teenage boys (typical in that they are colossal wankers) and is written by at least one of the brains that brought us ‘Flight of the Conchords.’ Will, a socially awkward geek has to transfer from a private school to the local comprehensive to complete his A-levels. There he is befriended by three misfits: lovable but easily led Simon, brash and boastful Jay and Neil who is as thick as two short planktons. Series Three finds the quartet in the upper sixth and still pre-occupied by the holy trinity of booze, parties and ‘clunge’ (a new word for me but one that apparently refers to a vagina as in the phrase “Balls deep in clunge.”)

I am so ashamed that I like this program that was I to be watching it in your presence I wouldn’t laugh, quite the opposite. I would dig my nails (specially grown for the occasion, you didn’t just drop in) into my thighs and think of Gordon Brown speaking on fiscal prudence instead of letting you know which nob joke or teenage sexual fallacy I found so amusing. I have to admit that the show does parallel some of my school experience (although the characters do seem to be a little old for some of their behaviour) I certainly met a Neil and the Jay character can be found in all schools private or comprehensive. In honour of Jay I will leave this section with my top three sex boasts that I remember hearing at school:

3. “Yeah we do all sorts, last night she tit wanked in front of me.” It turned out he believed a ‘tit wank’ was when a girl QUOTE: “Wanks her nipple till milk comes out.”
2. I had sex at the top of the Eiffel Tower with a French girl I met in the lift. I don’t have her name or number because she didn’t speak English.
1. I broke my wrist when I was fingering a bird on the bus and it hit a bump.

Now that we have dealt with that filth let us move on to the glitter infused, self-congratulatory public stooge fest that is the X Factor.

The X Factor is currently in that awkward phase of the program where most of the nutters have been weeded out but the field still stinks of mediocrity. Few of us in the public have much invested in any of the acts and at this point we can all pick out at least five contestants who will be making their way to the openings of grim shopping centres over the next five weeks or so. Yet we watch. This weekend’s shows offered the following highlights:

• The Arctic Monkey’s arrangement of ‘Diamonds are Forever’ being dragged out from somewhere.
• Katie singing a song from the jungle book.
• Rebecca Fergusson appearing with what appeared to be her abscess twin attached to her hip.

I would like to comment on one final thing, the length of the program. Where the hell is all the extra content coming from? The format certainly hasn’t changed. I have a theory; let us look at the Cream egg: 1.They are definitely getting smaller each year. 2. You can’t destroy or create energy. Conclusion: that bastard Simon Cowell is shrinking our cream eggs and using the left over energy to make the X factor longer than ever.

Tut tut Simon Tut tut.

Kings of Leon & Two Door Cinema Club

I will usually just be reviewing one album in this post however as a special Brucie bonus this review features two albums. I had initially intended on reviewing the new Kings of Leon album but for the reasons that will become evident in the short review .

Kings of Leon ‘Come Around Sundown.’ 2/10

This album is predictable at every turn and has, at every opportunity to do something of interest instead opted for something monotonous and mediocre. Prior to writing this review I was sort of prepared to compare KOL to U2 in that they have a knack of producing great singles that long outlive their albums. But that would be doing U2 a disservice as this album contains no stadium filling cock rock singles or in fact anything remarkable at all. A detailed analysis would follow but I don’t want to listen through enough times to be able to produce more words than this on the subject.
Stand Out Tracks: There really aren’t any.
Listen if you like: Feeling bored and numb. (The emotions not the bands)

Two Door Cinema Club ‘Tourist History’ 7/10

Two Door Cinema Club are one of them Welsh bands that seem to have gotten an awful lot of great pre-release press. There first LP ‘Tourist History’ is out next week but thanks to the wonders of the internet here is my musings on it.

The Cinema Club album plays host to angular guitar sounds, yelped verses and electric keys with the polished and produced choruses that have been so in vogue the past eighteen months. Unsure what I mean? Think Friendly Fires, Foals et al. Something of the pop sensibilities of the British or more specifically Welsh ‘Emo’ scene have also made their way on to the record the first example being the chorus and middle eight on ‘come back home’ which on first listen reminded me of the high production values of fellow sons of Wales’ Kids in Glass Houses.
Do you want it, do you want it, do you want it, do you want it all irritates until the refrain drops away to reveal some lovely electronic sounds that wouldn’t seem out of place on a Nintendo shooter circa 1996. (Did anyone here have a SNES scope? If so you were lucky bastards.) Drum performances are something that are rarely talked about and rightly so in the case of most modern rock and indie efforts. However, increasingly more innovative drum patterns have started to find their place in the indie rock scene. Bloc Party, Arctic Monkeys and Vampire Weekend are all noticeable big hitters in this field. Whilst Two Door Cinema club don’t do anything outstanding in its originality they haven’t settled for the simplest of options and this occasionally catches your ear. (This is the Life, I Can Talk, Undercover Martyn.)

At the albums midpoint is the sample driven a cappella introduction of ‘I Can Talk’. Which is a song that screams “I AM THE SINGLE” being both a record that you can sing and dance to, much to the annoyance of those on the train where this review was written.

There are a couple of false starters buried in the album one example being ‘Undercover Martyn’ which starts as though it is going to try to hit some delicate notes but then gives up on that idea in pursuit of a rhythm led poptastic chorus before giving up on that and playing with the laser gun effects on the keyboard.

On the whole most tracks seem to be thirty seconds too long insisting on the repetition of choruses that aren’t always strong enough to survive sustained scrutiny. But that isn’t to say that there isn’t plenty to like. Not much of it is original but the majority of it plays well and whilst I’m sure Two Door Cinema Club won’t be changing the course of music they fit nicely into what is happening around them at the moment.
Listen If you like: Friendly Fires, The Sunshine Underground, Owl City, The Departure, The Rapture and Cow Bells (the instrument not the band)
Stand Out Tracks: I Can Talk, Come Back Home, Do You Want it All.

The Life and Death of Charlie St. Cloud: 6/10

Spoiler Alert: Severe

For those of you who think Thursday is an odd day for film reviews I offer an explanation, an explanation in a single word, that word being Orange. With that bit of corporate unpleasantness behind us I will move on to my musings on this week’s film.

As an act of kindness to my long suffering girlfriend this week’s cinima trip was to see Charlie St Cloud. ‘The life and death of Charlie st. Cloud’ (to give it its full name) or ‘The complete mental breakdown and partial recovery of Charlie st. Cloud’ (to give it its accurate description) is the latest film to star the swoontastic Zak Efron. This went some way to explaining the demographic of those in attendance who chatted, texted and chomped their way through the performance whilst their hormones’ performed cartwheels down the aisles.

Ok, plot. Charlie (Zak) is involved in a car crash. His little brother is slightly more involved in the incident, so involved in fact that he dies. Zak had promised that he would teach his brother to play baseball and honours this promise meeting his brother’s ghost in the woods every day at sundown. Because Charlie is spending more time than the average twenty-something with his dead brother life somewhat passes him by. That is until he meets a sailing gal and falls in love. The problem is it turns out that sailing gal has recently come a cropper and it is in actual fact her spirit who is giving him the run around in the hope that he saves her stricken body from a dubious rock.

Right, Improvements that I would make to the film, I have two ideas. Firstly get rid of any scenes without Mr St Cloud the elder. Given the trailer, the poster and the reviews why else would you be here if not just to gawp at Mr. Efron, who, now that he isn't playing a high schooler it is ok for you to get hot and bothered about. Secondly, there are a few scenes in the film where Charlie is seen talking to thin air when he is talking to a ghost. There is also a scene when he shags a goast in a cemetary. May I suggest that viewing this latter scene from the perspective of a bystander would have made for a much more entertaining experience, though the world may not yet be ready for the sight of a Disney heartthrob nobbing someone’s family plot.

Acting in the film was fine, the script wasn't as incipid as the plot suggests and the production was completely without pretenetion with regards to its taget market.

I will leave the last words of this review to my girlfriend. “I could spread him on a cracker.” As, rather worryingly could I.

Need more Zak Efron watch the trailer for the film here: