Children in Need, X Factor, The Trip
Children in Need (It’s Charity/10)
When I was wee my family always had a Children in Need/Red Nose Day tradition that I have carried on, but now that I am older and more cynical it really isn’t that nice and I don’t want you to judge me for it.
We order take away!
We sit in our warm house and gorge ourselves on the best of grease in a box and watch those hungry unfortunate blighters until we feel bloated and guilty enough to donate. Just a couple of quid mind, not the value of the take away we couldn’t possibly afford that.
But we shouldn’t let cynicism effect traditions, just ask the pope.
If it makes you think better of me this year’s takeaway was pretty poor. We were staying in the countryside you see and the problem with ordering ethnic food in the country side is that there is no one from a relevant ethnicity to cook it. The only Indian that I have seen in the town is an accountant and I am reliably informed it would be counter to good race relations to expect him to be able to cook a curry let alone deliver it. When I once raised the lack of ethnic diversity it was pointed out to me that a gentleman on a neighbouring farm had started breeding alpaca, so I guess things are improving.
Anyway back to the Idiot Box:
This year’s award for the most genuinely amusing skit goes to Coronation Street and Eastender’s who offered up not their usual tongue in cheek musical number but a mini sit-com which saw the inhabitants of aforementioned areas partaking in a cultural exchange. Highlights included an Asian off between the two soaps Indian families, (think goodness gracious me in reverse) and one up man ship between Gail ‘the Gerbil’ Platt and her Eastender’s counterpart on the subject of who married the biggest psychopath.
The news casters put in their usual amount of effort, but it was disappointing to see the male newsreaders take a backseat to the girls. Has Jeremy Paxman ever partaken in a musical number? I would personally donate very generously to see him singing a song of disproportionate joy to his personality.
X Factor 5/10
X-Factor exposed two things this week the first being the train of stupid that is Cheryl Cole and the genuine (as opposed to pantomime) nastiness of Simon Cowell.
Following Wagner’s performance Cheryl Cole decided to unleash some rehearsed fury on Wagner sighting some remarks that he had made to a journalist about her being from a council estate. Whilst this wasn’t the time and the place for grievance to be aired Wagner handled it brilliantly pointing out the unreliability of the British media and talking about her as a role model in glowing terms.
On a separate note they have obviously decided to continue to mispronounce Wagner’s name as some kind of joke, not only is this unbelievably rude it also makes them all look rather stupid as Wagner isn’t exactly an uncommon pronunciation. World famous composer, anyone? I don’t think that even the most ignorant of the panel isn’t aware of this.
Cheryl Cole, the ‘mentor’ of Cher Lloyd (you know the one who raps a bit and was looking slightly relevant at the start of the show). We were led to believe that this week John Lennon’s Imagine was chosen for her to sing by Cheryl, we were also led to believe that Cheryl (as we are with all the mentors) chose the cleaver spiral stair case staging. For those of you who didn’t know a spiral staircase was pertinent as it was modelled on that of the Bank St apartment shared by John and Yoko. Mr. Cowell clearly was aware of this and pressed Cheryl on her reasons for making the choice knowing full well that the choice hadn’t been hers and that she was clueless about its relevance but also knowing that she had to act as though the decision was entirely hers. For anyone still under any illusions that ‘mentors’ actually play much of a role I think this is some more evidence to contradict that script.
The Trip 4/10
I’ve decided. I don’t like it that much. The melancholy drama is genius but the improvised dialogue in the restaurants gets a little tedious.
I’m going to see Harry Potter tonight… Just so you know…
Tuesday 23 November 2010
Monday 22 November 2010
Back With Their Original Line Up and They Call This Progress?
Take That - Progress - 8/10
I am a 24 year old male. I don’t think that makes me a part of Take That’s immediate demographic. I have somehow managed to reach this stage of my life without really considering them in any depth, that was until their new album ‘Progress’ became the fastest selling album ever. Yes ever. Think of a truly great album, got it? This one has sold quicker. Go on try again; yep it beat that one too.
I arrive at this review with a limited knowledge of Take That. Here is what I know. Take That were formed in the early nineties by record exec types looking to form a boy band around a northern pub singer, bag of talent Gary Barlow. Progress was slow but the tried and tested ‘get the gays and the girls will follow’ approach to launching a boy band was taken (pre x-factor you must understand). Gradually they went from club act to ‘pop sensation’ with all the hysteria and tabloid drama that accompanies it. Many great pop songs later Robbie Williams left something happened involving a court case and then the remaining four called it a day. Gary Barlow continued to be talented and wrote lots of big selling songs for loads of UK artists Robbie Williams went stellar and Mark Owen try as he might didn’t really achieve much . An urban legend about Gary Barlow living in loving harmony with 90’s children’s TV presenter Andy Peters sadly proved not to be true and then a few years ago the band got back together and older and wiser made the amount of money they should have made the first time around. Without ridicules dance routines and trading on an air of credibility they targeted a wider audience, a fussy young family that shops at marks and spencer, you know the type. Then a couple of months ago it was announced that Robbie Williams would be re-joining reuniting the band’s original line up.
Having never listened to a Take That album I am sat at my keyboard in somewhat of a shell shocked stupor. It’s good. It’s actually very good. Excluding for a second the single ‘The Flood,’ the album closer resembles the work of late period Robbie Williams (you know the interesting stuff that no-one bought) and Damon Albern’s Gorrilaz than the drippy ballad territory that I expected. Is this an unusual turn? Someone tell me, I may have to buy another take that album. Gorillaz. Fuck me did I just compare Take That to Gorillaz…I did… I really did and I wasn’t doing it in a prickish way. That was a full blown genuine compliment.
Robbie Williams features heavily on the vocals and I imagine that he had a hand in some of the more esoteric lyrics. Gary Barlow, whilst I’m sure being heavily musically involved doesn’t sing as much as you would expect with Mark Owen taking more of a share than you would believe to be wise based on his thin vocal performance on previous singles, the god awful Shine being a prime example. In fact the more raw sound of Marks vocals are probably the best suited to edgier sounds on this album (Take That… Edgy sounds… Bloody hell…)
Album highlights are 'SOS' in which all the production toys are taken out of the box for Mark Owen and Robbie Williams to play with. Kidz would be amongst my favourites but for the fact that it skirts a bit too close to the Gorrillaz Feel Good Inc. (Which in turn I think has a questionably large debt to The Kinks Sunday Afternoon)
An album low point is ‘Affirmation’ which gives Howard a rare crack at the microphone with what sounds like an Ah-Ha B-side. However it is Album opener ‘The Flood’ which is for me the poorest track on the album. Its role as lead single strikes me as somewhat dishonest as it represents everything that Take That have been and not this new and relevant sound that the album goes on to play host to, though this may be the progress that the title declares.
It is unusual for an album by a mainstream pop act to have more than two or three quality songs all of which are inevitably released as singles. Seven good tracks out of ten is excellent and sures up Take That’s position as songwriters and musicians not merely pop play things.
I am a 24 year old male. I don’t think that makes me a part of Take That’s immediate demographic. I have somehow managed to reach this stage of my life without really considering them in any depth, that was until their new album ‘Progress’ became the fastest selling album ever. Yes ever. Think of a truly great album, got it? This one has sold quicker. Go on try again; yep it beat that one too.
I arrive at this review with a limited knowledge of Take That. Here is what I know. Take That were formed in the early nineties by record exec types looking to form a boy band around a northern pub singer, bag of talent Gary Barlow. Progress was slow but the tried and tested ‘get the gays and the girls will follow’ approach to launching a boy band was taken (pre x-factor you must understand). Gradually they went from club act to ‘pop sensation’ with all the hysteria and tabloid drama that accompanies it. Many great pop songs later Robbie Williams left something happened involving a court case and then the remaining four called it a day. Gary Barlow continued to be talented and wrote lots of big selling songs for loads of UK artists Robbie Williams went stellar and Mark Owen try as he might didn’t really achieve much . An urban legend about Gary Barlow living in loving harmony with 90’s children’s TV presenter Andy Peters sadly proved not to be true and then a few years ago the band got back together and older and wiser made the amount of money they should have made the first time around. Without ridicules dance routines and trading on an air of credibility they targeted a wider audience, a fussy young family that shops at marks and spencer, you know the type. Then a couple of months ago it was announced that Robbie Williams would be re-joining reuniting the band’s original line up.
Having never listened to a Take That album I am sat at my keyboard in somewhat of a shell shocked stupor. It’s good. It’s actually very good. Excluding for a second the single ‘The Flood,’ the album closer resembles the work of late period Robbie Williams (you know the interesting stuff that no-one bought) and Damon Albern’s Gorrilaz than the drippy ballad territory that I expected. Is this an unusual turn? Someone tell me, I may have to buy another take that album. Gorillaz. Fuck me did I just compare Take That to Gorillaz…I did… I really did and I wasn’t doing it in a prickish way. That was a full blown genuine compliment.
Robbie Williams features heavily on the vocals and I imagine that he had a hand in some of the more esoteric lyrics. Gary Barlow, whilst I’m sure being heavily musically involved doesn’t sing as much as you would expect with Mark Owen taking more of a share than you would believe to be wise based on his thin vocal performance on previous singles, the god awful Shine being a prime example. In fact the more raw sound of Marks vocals are probably the best suited to edgier sounds on this album (Take That… Edgy sounds… Bloody hell…)
Album highlights are 'SOS' in which all the production toys are taken out of the box for Mark Owen and Robbie Williams to play with. Kidz would be amongst my favourites but for the fact that it skirts a bit too close to the Gorrillaz Feel Good Inc. (Which in turn I think has a questionably large debt to The Kinks Sunday Afternoon)
An album low point is ‘Affirmation’ which gives Howard a rare crack at the microphone with what sounds like an Ah-Ha B-side. However it is Album opener ‘The Flood’ which is for me the poorest track on the album. Its role as lead single strikes me as somewhat dishonest as it represents everything that Take That have been and not this new and relevant sound that the album goes on to play host to, though this may be the progress that the title declares.
It is unusual for an album by a mainstream pop act to have more than two or three quality songs all of which are inevitably released as singles. Seven good tracks out of ten is excellent and sures up Take That’s position as songwriters and musicians not merely pop play things.
Wednesday 17 November 2010
If the Simpsons were Mexican Cannibals Teenagers Wouldn't Watch.
Somos Lo Que Hay - We Are What We Are 5/10
Upon entering the tiny screen eight at Newcastle’s Empire Cinema my heart sunk a little. I had persuaded the long suffering girlfriend to attend the performance, I had visited the local late opening pound shop and had secured the services of a pack of white Malteasers for mid film nourishment. Drifting in on cloud nine I was then struck by that noise that only teenagers can make. The entire back row of a screen of only five rows was occupied by chewing, loud-mouthed, overconfident and, I don’t say this lightly, (evidence to follow) shit for brained persons’ of assorted sex aged at around fourteen.
It was two minutes into the film when the first distinctly non-Chinese character spoke.
Girl One: “Urgh! Is it all in subtitles?”
Boy One: “You are fuckin’ kiddin’ mi like.”
A mildly humorous joke, perhaps? Then it went on.
Girl Three: “It’s ok, Chinese make better horror films than us so it should be ok.”
(Pause)
Boy One: “I’m not reading fucking subtitles for a whole film.”
Girl One: “I don’t understand French.”
(Group exits)
It was at about this point that I was able to concentrate on the film so it shall be from here that the review shall begin. For those of you who didn’t guess by the title the film is in the Spanish language. Not so obvious from the title is that it is the story of a family coping with the loss of their father, oh yeah and they just happen to be ritualistic cannibals imminently requiring their next feed.
Character wise I amused myself by likening them (with some success) to the Simpsons. The Dad character is Homer, useless and someone who the whole family would be seemingly better off without, that is until he is gone and it becomes clear that he is in fact the glue of the family. The mother is Marge, a tormented pragmatist desperate to keep her family together while pushing them away by being so controlling and not wanting to let anyone spread their wings. Maggie and Bart are the two brothers Bart the overly aggressive and unpredictable of the pair and Maggie the Machiavellian quiet type. Then there is the daughter, Lisa, the strangely attractive, (a friend of mine once described her as his ideal woman) know it all of the bunch and the person who really should be leading the family in most situations.
The pacing of the film is painfully slow, the lighting is so low that it is often difficult to know what is going on and the story makes no attempt to explain backstory or even events pertinent to the narrative, such as what the ritual actually is and what they believe it does. One redeeming feature was the sound track which sounded like it was being played by an orchestra of the dead locked in a basement.
It could be the case that I am stupid or, as I suspect, it could be the case that it is a foreign film with a pretty wide release, BBC and UK Lottery funding which means that reviewers are seeing more in it than is there. I’m open to interpretations of this film by others who have seen it send them in, I’m all ears.
It summery I will leave you with the comments of the guy sat along the row from me
“*snore, snore,”
Wife covers him with a coat
“snore, snore.”
If you want some Spanish Horror try this instead
Upon entering the tiny screen eight at Newcastle’s Empire Cinema my heart sunk a little. I had persuaded the long suffering girlfriend to attend the performance, I had visited the local late opening pound shop and had secured the services of a pack of white Malteasers for mid film nourishment. Drifting in on cloud nine I was then struck by that noise that only teenagers can make. The entire back row of a screen of only five rows was occupied by chewing, loud-mouthed, overconfident and, I don’t say this lightly, (evidence to follow) shit for brained persons’ of assorted sex aged at around fourteen.
It was two minutes into the film when the first distinctly non-Chinese character spoke.
Girl One: “Urgh! Is it all in subtitles?”
Boy One: “You are fuckin’ kiddin’ mi like.”
A mildly humorous joke, perhaps? Then it went on.
Girl Three: “It’s ok, Chinese make better horror films than us so it should be ok.”
(Pause)
Boy One: “I’m not reading fucking subtitles for a whole film.”
Girl One: “I don’t understand French.”
(Group exits)
It was at about this point that I was able to concentrate on the film so it shall be from here that the review shall begin. For those of you who didn’t guess by the title the film is in the Spanish language. Not so obvious from the title is that it is the story of a family coping with the loss of their father, oh yeah and they just happen to be ritualistic cannibals imminently requiring their next feed.
Character wise I amused myself by likening them (with some success) to the Simpsons. The Dad character is Homer, useless and someone who the whole family would be seemingly better off without, that is until he is gone and it becomes clear that he is in fact the glue of the family. The mother is Marge, a tormented pragmatist desperate to keep her family together while pushing them away by being so controlling and not wanting to let anyone spread their wings. Maggie and Bart are the two brothers Bart the overly aggressive and unpredictable of the pair and Maggie the Machiavellian quiet type. Then there is the daughter, Lisa, the strangely attractive, (a friend of mine once described her as his ideal woman) know it all of the bunch and the person who really should be leading the family in most situations.
The pacing of the film is painfully slow, the lighting is so low that it is often difficult to know what is going on and the story makes no attempt to explain backstory or even events pertinent to the narrative, such as what the ritual actually is and what they believe it does. One redeeming feature was the sound track which sounded like it was being played by an orchestra of the dead locked in a basement.
It could be the case that I am stupid or, as I suspect, it could be the case that it is a foreign film with a pretty wide release, BBC and UK Lottery funding which means that reviewers are seeing more in it than is there. I’m open to interpretations of this film by others who have seen it send them in, I’m all ears.
It summery I will leave you with the comments of the guy sat along the row from me
“*snore, snore,”
Wife covers him with a coat
“snore, snore.”
If you want some Spanish Horror try this instead
Monday 15 November 2010
Like Chucklevision with swearing or The Taming of the Shrew with jokes about buzzing off caffeine
The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (More4) 7/10
New Look, be the trend… Not from what I have seen of the place and put them clothes back on sharpish you nympho lynx shoppers and you Mr. Lenny Mole Face pick up the pace, play the song how we want to hear it and don’t try telling me you actually like the equivalent of Michael Bubble in French beverage form. I’m watching The Increasingly Poor Decisions of some bloke on 4od so have to sit through the adverts. Skip on through them you think, wield your mouse of power. Not on your nelly! The crafty buggers at channel four have put a stop to this flippant disrespect for the craft of the ad man unless of course you’re watching it on Virgin in which case please skip away. Richard Branson pays schools of African children to watch the ads so you don’t have to. Good to know your rocketing subscription fee is going somewhere, eh.
Anyway fuck up shut tard, here we go with the TV review.
The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret… Really already, fuck of Mr Cluny I don’t want one of your la de dar coffee’s nor do I require a monkey sim…At least I don’t think I do, though I’m not entirely sure what it is. It may be integral in some way not known to me, though I doubt it… … … Yes definitely not necessary…And the program is back on. Where was I? The increasingly poor decisions of Todd Margaret is a frolic of a sit-com starring and co-written by arrested development’s (which, by the way if you haven’t seen you should) David Cross.
The set-up is willingly and so obviously contrived but forgivably so in what is essentially a farce (think Chucklevision with swearing or The Taming of the Shrew with jokes about buzzing off caffeine). I will issue you a consumer warning at this point: If you see the first few minutes and think “er what the fuck! I’m not watching this shit,” then go with your instincts, this good sir isn’t going to be for you. What follows is twenty minutes of falling over, foot in your mouth humour and the building of a house of shit made with sloppy bricks of stinking lies that you know will tumble sometime soon.
Fish out of water humour along with some satirical elements are sprinkled like lucky charm’s marshmallows over the episode and clocking in at just over twenty minutes I won’t have a problem tuning in next week as for the rest of the series, we shall see.
As is de rigueur a quick opinion on the X Factor: This week I don’t even care enough to be snide about it. That is all, Au revoir.
New Look, be the trend… Not from what I have seen of the place and put them clothes back on sharpish you nympho lynx shoppers and you Mr. Lenny Mole Face pick up the pace, play the song how we want to hear it and don’t try telling me you actually like the equivalent of Michael Bubble in French beverage form. I’m watching The Increasingly Poor Decisions of some bloke on 4od so have to sit through the adverts. Skip on through them you think, wield your mouse of power. Not on your nelly! The crafty buggers at channel four have put a stop to this flippant disrespect for the craft of the ad man unless of course you’re watching it on Virgin in which case please skip away. Richard Branson pays schools of African children to watch the ads so you don’t have to. Good to know your rocketing subscription fee is going somewhere, eh.
Anyway fuck up shut tard, here we go with the TV review.
The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret… Really already, fuck of Mr Cluny I don’t want one of your la de dar coffee’s nor do I require a monkey sim…At least I don’t think I do, though I’m not entirely sure what it is. It may be integral in some way not known to me, though I doubt it… … … Yes definitely not necessary…And the program is back on. Where was I? The increasingly poor decisions of Todd Margaret is a frolic of a sit-com starring and co-written by arrested development’s (which, by the way if you haven’t seen you should) David Cross.
The set-up is willingly and so obviously contrived but forgivably so in what is essentially a farce (think Chucklevision with swearing or The Taming of the Shrew with jokes about buzzing off caffeine). I will issue you a consumer warning at this point: If you see the first few minutes and think “er what the fuck! I’m not watching this shit,” then go with your instincts, this good sir isn’t going to be for you. What follows is twenty minutes of falling over, foot in your mouth humour and the building of a house of shit made with sloppy bricks of stinking lies that you know will tumble sometime soon.
Fish out of water humour along with some satirical elements are sprinkled like lucky charm’s marshmallows over the episode and clocking in at just over twenty minutes I won’t have a problem tuning in next week as for the rest of the series, we shall see.
As is de rigueur a quick opinion on the X Factor: This week I don’t even care enough to be snide about it. That is all, Au revoir.
Saturday 13 November 2010
Cee Lo Green: The Lady Killer: 9/10
Before we go any further there will be no jokes about Cee Lo Green killing ladies by lying on them. I doubt that it is original and you shouldn’t pick on a man about his weight.
For those of you who don’t know Cee Lo Green is best known as being two thirds of the partnership Gnarls Barkley (ok no more fat jokes, I promise.) but was writing and producing annoyingly catchy tunes before this. Chav-tastic and much parodied “Don’t you wish your girlfriend…” being the biggest hit that comes to mind.
‘The Lady Killers’ is Cee Lo’s debut solo album and has been generating plenty of talk receiving play across the commercial stations and on both Radio One and Two. The two singles that preceded the release of the album (Band of Horses cover ‘No One’s Going to Love You’ and ‘Fuck/Get You’) both hinted at a the album being a soulful affair, a back to roots sound owing more to Rhythm and Blues than Rhythm, Bass and Hip Hop swagger. This made the boastful, swaggering introductory track somewhat of a disappointment but not for long, in come heavy synthesised synths that morph into Spectoresque wall of sound strings over the course of the first track proper Bright Lights Bigger City. Next is ‘Fuck You’ which sounds like a bad mouthed Smokey Robinson track. To be honest I prefer the Radio edit of ‘Get You.’ I have heard it said that a good record is one that the listener is sure they have heard before ‘Fuck/Get You’ certainly fits this description and wouldn’t sound out of place on a crackling Motown LP.
Wildflower, has classy production and a great vocal performance but is one of a number of tracks that isn’t remarkable enough to maintain interest upon repeat listens. Classy production values make a return with Bodies and then we are right back to the retro feel of a polished horn section with vocals looming large in the mix. ‘Satisfied’ wouldn’t sound out of place in a Sammy Davies Jnr album.
The Motown vibe is brought back mid-album with ‘Fool For You’ and ‘It’s Ok’ and ‘Old Fashioned’ which are all songs with a timeless sound and lush velvet 60’s style production. The previously haunting No One’s Going to Love You is now reinterpreted to be warm and reassuring with layers of strings, a strong beat and understated guitar work. When Band of Horses tell me that no one is going to love me like they do I feel that the sentiment is mildly threatening and if I don’t heed their warning I will end up alone in a house of cats, but with Cee Lo, he is just letting me know that we are in a good place right now and I’m happy to snuggle down with him on that note.
This album could maybe have done with being two tracks shorter but other than that I am struggling to find fault. The production job is absolutely outstanding as is the song writing. What audience this album will attract is however a vexing question, Cee Lo’s hip hop/pop background means that he is marketed to a mainstream audience but the album may be better appreciated by a more specialist older crowd already acquainted with the music of Motown. My hope is that he does get the young listeners that are being courted and Motown is introduced to a new audience through this album.
Click on the link below to get your copy, it really is rather damn good.
For those of you who don’t know Cee Lo Green is best known as being two thirds of the partnership Gnarls Barkley (ok no more fat jokes, I promise.) but was writing and producing annoyingly catchy tunes before this. Chav-tastic and much parodied “Don’t you wish your girlfriend…” being the biggest hit that comes to mind.
‘The Lady Killers’ is Cee Lo’s debut solo album and has been generating plenty of talk receiving play across the commercial stations and on both Radio One and Two. The two singles that preceded the release of the album (Band of Horses cover ‘No One’s Going to Love You’ and ‘Fuck/Get You’) both hinted at a the album being a soulful affair, a back to roots sound owing more to Rhythm and Blues than Rhythm, Bass and Hip Hop swagger. This made the boastful, swaggering introductory track somewhat of a disappointment but not for long, in come heavy synthesised synths that morph into Spectoresque wall of sound strings over the course of the first track proper Bright Lights Bigger City. Next is ‘Fuck You’ which sounds like a bad mouthed Smokey Robinson track. To be honest I prefer the Radio edit of ‘Get You.’ I have heard it said that a good record is one that the listener is sure they have heard before ‘Fuck/Get You’ certainly fits this description and wouldn’t sound out of place on a crackling Motown LP.
Wildflower, has classy production and a great vocal performance but is one of a number of tracks that isn’t remarkable enough to maintain interest upon repeat listens. Classy production values make a return with Bodies and then we are right back to the retro feel of a polished horn section with vocals looming large in the mix. ‘Satisfied’ wouldn’t sound out of place in a Sammy Davies Jnr album.
The Motown vibe is brought back mid-album with ‘Fool For You’ and ‘It’s Ok’ and ‘Old Fashioned’ which are all songs with a timeless sound and lush velvet 60’s style production. The previously haunting No One’s Going to Love You is now reinterpreted to be warm and reassuring with layers of strings, a strong beat and understated guitar work. When Band of Horses tell me that no one is going to love me like they do I feel that the sentiment is mildly threatening and if I don’t heed their warning I will end up alone in a house of cats, but with Cee Lo, he is just letting me know that we are in a good place right now and I’m happy to snuggle down with him on that note.
This album could maybe have done with being two tracks shorter but other than that I am struggling to find fault. The production job is absolutely outstanding as is the song writing. What audience this album will attract is however a vexing question, Cee Lo’s hip hop/pop background means that he is marketed to a mainstream audience but the album may be better appreciated by a more specialist older crowd already acquainted with the music of Motown. My hope is that he does get the young listeners that are being courted and Motown is introduced to a new audience through this album.
Click on the link below to get your copy, it really is rather damn good.
Friday 12 November 2010
No Film Blog This Week... Shock Horror, This is Why.
Those of eagle eye and time of plenty will have noticed the lack of a film post for this week. For those of you holding your breath for such a post (you really shouldn't, things have rarely run to schedule so far.) I have the following news. There will be no post. As support for this decision I list the films being offered by my local multiplex this week...
Jackass 3D: Struck me as being the re-airing of a very old joke. Like Del-Boy falling through the bar for the 1000th time. Millions would tell you that it is timeless and will always be funny. Millions are morons.
Due Date: "From the makers of the Hang Over" Based on the trailer for the hang over alone. I don't think I will be going to see this.
Saw 3D: I went to see saw one. I went to see saw two and three I even saw saw four but I really can't remember and had most certainly lost interest in it by then.
Burke And Haire: The trailer has a fart gag in it...
Despicable Me: I'm an adult and don't like kids, especially those in Cinemas. Though they are often better behaved than textathon teenagers, but only if the film is any good and of this I was doubtful.
That Film About Owls: You know the one with the unreasonably long title containing words which its target audience can't read or pronounce. You know that one. Yes the one with the owls. And the long title. Yes that one. No, I didn't fancy it either.
Paranormal Activity Two: BOO! did you jump? Did you?... ... ... ... ... BOO! How about now... ... ... ... BOO! (Ok if I am honest I jump like a flea, which seems to be the point of this film. I love to be scared by films not BOO! (I think you'll get what I mean.)
The Social Network: Seen it, see earlier review.
Let Me In: I watched the original last week and judging by the trailers it is a scene by scene remake for an illiterate audience. As a reader (Jennifer Yellow Hat no problem mate) I will not be wasting money on this.
So there... I think you will agree the ten quid is best kept in my pocket. So don't go to the Cinema this week read a book instead. This one's good.
Jackass 3D: Struck me as being the re-airing of a very old joke. Like Del-Boy falling through the bar for the 1000th time. Millions would tell you that it is timeless and will always be funny. Millions are morons.
Due Date: "From the makers of the Hang Over" Based on the trailer for the hang over alone. I don't think I will be going to see this.
Saw 3D: I went to see saw one. I went to see saw two and three I even saw saw four but I really can't remember and had most certainly lost interest in it by then.
Burke And Haire: The trailer has a fart gag in it...
Despicable Me: I'm an adult and don't like kids, especially those in Cinemas. Though they are often better behaved than textathon teenagers, but only if the film is any good and of this I was doubtful.
That Film About Owls: You know the one with the unreasonably long title containing words which its target audience can't read or pronounce. You know that one. Yes the one with the owls. And the long title. Yes that one. No, I didn't fancy it either.
Paranormal Activity Two: BOO! did you jump? Did you?... ... ... ... ... BOO! How about now... ... ... ... BOO! (Ok if I am honest I jump like a flea, which seems to be the point of this film. I love to be scared by films not BOO! (I think you'll get what I mean.)
The Social Network: Seen it, see earlier review.
Let Me In: I watched the original last week and judging by the trailers it is a scene by scene remake for an illiterate audience. As a reader (Jennifer Yellow Hat no problem mate) I will not be wasting money on this.
So there... I think you will agree the ten quid is best kept in my pocket. So don't go to the Cinema this week read a book instead. This one's good.
Tuesday 9 November 2010
A Partridge Taster Menu with Extra Cock au D'Affaires
The Apprentice 7/10
Alan Partridge: Mid Morning Matters 8/10
The Trip ???
So this is a little bit late (again), but I don’t care and neither should you. We all have lives away from the internet. Get off my back will you, you’re not my boss. Just fuck off. I’ve brought more to this team than anyone. I have given 110%, alright. I have worked my arse off since moment one, I really am the best person for this job and I have so much more to give.
You may have guessed that ‘The Apprentice’ is on again and whilst still enjoyable it does seem to have moved yet further away from its original concept. The early series would pit savvy decision makers against salesmen and strategists. The most recent series cast Nobs against Cocks and like in any fencing contest between two baloney ponies all participants end up looking stupid once the event has been edited and broadcast stressing not the sporting intention of the contest but frankly making the whole thing look a little bit gay.
Contestants this year are on the whole conforming to the following statements: Arrogance over Ability and Rhetoric over Action. Which, if any of the producers had done the maths they would have seen the result:
Ability=a= 4
Arrogance=g= 77344
Rhetoric=r= 1740240
Action=n= 45
(g/a)+(r/n) = (77344/4)+(1740240/45)=58008
Now turn the calculator upside down, and there you have it Boobs.
All the same humongous dicks are funny to watch although when we are honest we are all glad we don’t have one to work with (titter).
Last week saw the internet return of Mr Allan Partridge. Sadly Mr Coogan couldn’t be cajoled into another series featuring the hapless chat show host (or thankfully a film) wanting to instead cast off the character and move into film. However the money must have been right from Fosters who have sponsored a series of ten minute shorts from Partridge’s 'show' on North Norfolk Radio. It is basically all the best bits of foot in mouth fun without the narrative drama that accompanied the series. The quite brilliant Tim Key makes an appearance in this first episode and all in all the show provides a great coffee time chortle. The choice of format is interesting and I wait to see if it is judged to be a success.
Watch it here and drink some bland Australian beer http://goo.gl.n23cZ
Also Coogan was out and about on the telly with Rob Brydon in Episode Two of The Trip (Directed by no less than Michael Winterbottom). I still don’t know what to say. It is one of those comedies that you don’t laugh at and is therefore difficult to talk about. I have decided that I like it… Other than that I really don’t know. Feel free to contribute your own feelings on this one. I may actually write a proper review of it one day…
Alan Partridge: Mid Morning Matters 8/10
The Trip ???
So this is a little bit late (again), but I don’t care and neither should you. We all have lives away from the internet. Get off my back will you, you’re not my boss. Just fuck off. I’ve brought more to this team than anyone. I have given 110%, alright. I have worked my arse off since moment one, I really am the best person for this job and I have so much more to give.
You may have guessed that ‘The Apprentice’ is on again and whilst still enjoyable it does seem to have moved yet further away from its original concept. The early series would pit savvy decision makers against salesmen and strategists. The most recent series cast Nobs against Cocks and like in any fencing contest between two baloney ponies all participants end up looking stupid once the event has been edited and broadcast stressing not the sporting intention of the contest but frankly making the whole thing look a little bit gay.
Contestants this year are on the whole conforming to the following statements: Arrogance over Ability and Rhetoric over Action. Which, if any of the producers had done the maths they would have seen the result:
Ability=a= 4
Arrogance=g= 77344
Rhetoric=r= 1740240
Action=n= 45
(g/a)+(r/n) = (77344/4)+(1740240/45)=58008
Now turn the calculator upside down, and there you have it Boobs.
All the same humongous dicks are funny to watch although when we are honest we are all glad we don’t have one to work with (titter).
Last week saw the internet return of Mr Allan Partridge. Sadly Mr Coogan couldn’t be cajoled into another series featuring the hapless chat show host (or thankfully a film) wanting to instead cast off the character and move into film. However the money must have been right from Fosters who have sponsored a series of ten minute shorts from Partridge’s 'show' on North Norfolk Radio. It is basically all the best bits of foot in mouth fun without the narrative drama that accompanied the series. The quite brilliant Tim Key makes an appearance in this first episode and all in all the show provides a great coffee time chortle. The choice of format is interesting and I wait to see if it is judged to be a success.
Watch it here and drink some bland Australian beer http://goo.gl.n23cZ
Also Coogan was out and about on the telly with Rob Brydon in Episode Two of The Trip (Directed by no less than Michael Winterbottom). I still don’t know what to say. It is one of those comedies that you don’t laugh at and is therefore difficult to talk about. I have decided that I like it… Other than that I really don’t know. Feel free to contribute your own feelings on this one. I may actually write a proper review of it one day…
Swedish House Mafia: More Socially Conscious than their Italian Counterparts.
Swedish House Mafia: One: 8/10
You can write down all that I know about dance music on the back of a teeny weeny stamp and still have enough room to scribe upon the thing all the words that I know in German and my opinions on Jordon’s love life, though I think this ultimately would say more about your suggestibility than my knowledge of dance music which is what I was prattling on about in the first place. Basically read my opinions with trepidation and consult someone who actually knows what they are talking about before buying.
Swedish House Mafia are a group of DJs and producers who are as a matter of fact; Swedish, produce what I am reliably informed is house music and have no known connection to the Mafia. Their first album ‘One’ came out just last week but they have been doing the rounds for some time and used to knock about with scourge of radio one summer playlists Eric Prydz.
The album launches with for me what is the stand out track ‘Miami 2 Ibiza.’ (Excuse the text spelling, my brother listens almost exclusively to dance music and the track listing is thankfully more decipherable than his Facebook page.) Tinie Tempah provides the vocals which flow nicely and are sexy, witty and consumerist which is the name of the game these days is it not? (I have a black BM she has a white TT, She wants to see what’s hiding in my CK briefs.) One of the best things about this album is the breadth of music referenced by the many samples used including: You’ve got the Love, The Four Tops, Empire of the Sun, MGMT and Coldplay to list just a few.
There is enough pop sensibility in here to ensure that the group get mainstream radio play, can demand massive fees for their DJ appearances and maintain their reputation in the specialist market. For the more hard core dance fans there are tracks such as Knas and Teenage Crime but to my ears and those ears being so tragically uncool these tracks leave me cold and yearning for the return of vocals and recognisable samples.
As only a casual listener of dance music there is enough to maintain interest across the whole thing. Samples that catch you off guard and the excellent production quality of the album to me make all the four to the floor nonsense worthwhile.
You can write down all that I know about dance music on the back of a teeny weeny stamp and still have enough room to scribe upon the thing all the words that I know in German and my opinions on Jordon’s love life, though I think this ultimately would say more about your suggestibility than my knowledge of dance music which is what I was prattling on about in the first place. Basically read my opinions with trepidation and consult someone who actually knows what they are talking about before buying.
Swedish House Mafia are a group of DJs and producers who are as a matter of fact; Swedish, produce what I am reliably informed is house music and have no known connection to the Mafia. Their first album ‘One’ came out just last week but they have been doing the rounds for some time and used to knock about with scourge of radio one summer playlists Eric Prydz.
The album launches with for me what is the stand out track ‘Miami 2 Ibiza.’ (Excuse the text spelling, my brother listens almost exclusively to dance music and the track listing is thankfully more decipherable than his Facebook page.) Tinie Tempah provides the vocals which flow nicely and are sexy, witty and consumerist which is the name of the game these days is it not? (I have a black BM she has a white TT, She wants to see what’s hiding in my CK briefs.) One of the best things about this album is the breadth of music referenced by the many samples used including: You’ve got the Love, The Four Tops, Empire of the Sun, MGMT and Coldplay to list just a few.
There is enough pop sensibility in here to ensure that the group get mainstream radio play, can demand massive fees for their DJ appearances and maintain their reputation in the specialist market. For the more hard core dance fans there are tracks such as Knas and Teenage Crime but to my ears and those ears being so tragically uncool these tracks leave me cold and yearning for the return of vocals and recognisable samples.
As only a casual listener of dance music there is enough to maintain interest across the whole thing. Samples that catch you off guard and the excellent production quality of the album to me make all the four to the floor nonsense worthwhile.
Monday 8 November 2010
Halloween Movie Reviews in Haiku
Here is my belated film post from last week. The long and the short of it is that there was nowt on at the cinema and I had somewhat overindulged in the spirit of Halloween, staying up far too late eating too many Wham! bars and watching far too many horror films in the days before and after the day of the pumpkin. The result of which was that I really didn’t know where to start so I present to you my ‘Halloween Movie Reviews in Haiku.’
The Human Centipede (2010)
What hasn’t been said?
An ugly concept it’s true!
Woman eats man’s poo.
Let the Right One In (2009)
Swedish child vampire
Makes just the one friend and kills
All others with lines.
Don’t Scream (2009)
The makers of Saw
Strike again bereft of class,
Humour or a script
The Haunting (1963)
Classic Horror chills.
Fear is best served cold, alone
and timeless in style
Alien (1979)
Quite a wait until
That scene that we have seen
Giger terrifies
Coraline (2008)
Don’t show this to kids!
Don’t show it to me again!
Nightmares await you.
I am quite far behind with this at the moment so… Tomorrow should be a double post with a review of my selection of the week’s TV and Swedish House Mafia’s album.
The Human Centipede (2010)
What hasn’t been said?
An ugly concept it’s true!
Woman eats man’s poo.
Let the Right One In (2009)
Swedish child vampire
Makes just the one friend and kills
All others with lines.
Don’t Scream (2009)
The makers of Saw
Strike again bereft of class,
Humour or a script
The Haunting (1963)
Classic Horror chills.
Fear is best served cold, alone
and timeless in style
Alien (1979)
Quite a wait until
That scene that we have seen
Giger terrifies
Coraline (2008)
Don’t show this to kids!
Don’t show it to me again!
Nightmares await you.
I am quite far behind with this at the moment so… Tomorrow should be a double post with a review of my selection of the week’s TV and Swedish House Mafia’s album.
Tuesday 2 November 2010
A Horror History X Factor Trip
X Factor 3/10
A History of Horror 9/10
The Trip ?/10
Simon Cowell’s personality is a vacuous cavern so deep that it is playing havoc with the studio’s acoustics. Either that or the sound engineers only previous experience working with microphones was at the karaoke night in a Mcloed Gauge, “More echo Frank, you really need it to create an atmosphere in here.” (Oh yes I did. That was a Joke that requires knowledge of historic lab equipment used in the study of Vacuums, big up to the chuckling geeks.) But really what the fuck is going on with that echo. This week there was only the one outstanding performance, that of Rebecca Fergusson who oozed class although the fawning over Cher Lloyds performance from Simon Cowell suggested that he has picked his winner. However, I believe that Satin’s geometric haired smug monkey was more pleased with the fact that Cher will toe the line than with anything relating to her stretched vocals.
A warning to those who found this review by googling something relating to the X-Factor I am now going to talk about a documentary shown on BBC4. If you are one of the aforementioned go on find BBC4 on your telly you might learn something… Mark Gatiss (of league of Gentlemen fame) has produced what can only be described as a wonderful three part documentary series in which he looks at the three golden ages of Horror cinema (Fuck off Eli Roth you’re not invited). All his enthusiasm for the subject comes across without him going all Louis Theroux with the interviews. If you are quick you can still catch it on iplayer along with a few of the films discussed in full. I wouldn’t usually advise such unwholesome viewing but watch the documentary first and it all the guts and gore seems somewhat justified.
Here’s one to watch. The Trip is a sit-com starring Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon. Playing themselves the pair go on a road trip together to review a restaurants in ‘The North.’ Just one episode into the series and I am withholding judgement until I have seen some more. I advise you tune in just in case you are missing something special, so far it could go either way.
A History of Horror 9/10
The Trip ?/10
Simon Cowell’s personality is a vacuous cavern so deep that it is playing havoc with the studio’s acoustics. Either that or the sound engineers only previous experience working with microphones was at the karaoke night in a Mcloed Gauge, “More echo Frank, you really need it to create an atmosphere in here.” (Oh yes I did. That was a Joke that requires knowledge of historic lab equipment used in the study of Vacuums, big up to the chuckling geeks.) But really what the fuck is going on with that echo. This week there was only the one outstanding performance, that of Rebecca Fergusson who oozed class although the fawning over Cher Lloyds performance from Simon Cowell suggested that he has picked his winner. However, I believe that Satin’s geometric haired smug monkey was more pleased with the fact that Cher will toe the line than with anything relating to her stretched vocals.
A warning to those who found this review by googling something relating to the X-Factor I am now going to talk about a documentary shown on BBC4. If you are one of the aforementioned go on find BBC4 on your telly you might learn something… Mark Gatiss (of league of Gentlemen fame) has produced what can only be described as a wonderful three part documentary series in which he looks at the three golden ages of Horror cinema (Fuck off Eli Roth you’re not invited). All his enthusiasm for the subject comes across without him going all Louis Theroux with the interviews. If you are quick you can still catch it on iplayer along with a few of the films discussed in full. I wouldn’t usually advise such unwholesome viewing but watch the documentary first and it all the guts and gore seems somewhat justified.
Here’s one to watch. The Trip is a sit-com starring Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon. Playing themselves the pair go on a road trip together to review a restaurants in ‘The North.’ Just one episode into the series and I am withholding judgement until I have seen some more. I advise you tune in just in case you are missing something special, so far it could go either way.
Monday 1 November 2010
Joe McElderry: Ambitions 4/10
Oh dear a whole day late, but if you had set yourself the task of reviewing what I had committed myself to reviewing this week you would have changed your bed sheets, rearranged your wallet, washed the neighbour’s dog, driven your granny to the whist drive and cooked a fiendishly difficult dinner before getting round to pummelling this keyboard.
Seeing as you can’t turn a page at the moment without seeing the X-factor why should I be the one to buck this trend. This week I have been listening to the tones of Joe McElderry (very quietly in headphones, God help me if anyone overheard). For those of you who don’t know Joe was the winner of the X-factor 2009. After winning the competition he released a cover of ‘The Climb’ a song made famous by Smiley Virus with more plush production than misery in a job centre.
The album starts off with single ‘Ambitions.’ To say that a reality TV star’s album opening with its single is usually a bad sign is somewhat of an overstatement, but here we are. The single however deserves to be remarked upon as it sees Joe move away from the ballads that he made his brand during his weekly TV appearances. Ambitions, like the majority of this album is disco with a big pink D, I, S, C and yes even the O. I can’t imagine that the folks at Cowell Towers were too delighted when Joe was announced as their winner. Grannies loved him, kids loved him and Newcastle loved him but these aren’t exactly the most committed of record buyers (unless he had slipped a version of the Blaydon Races onto his debut.)
After the opening track the album moves through over produced rockier moments, sing a long choruses, cringe worthy ballads (Superman being the main protagonist in this assault on decency) and officially ends on the Disney saturated The Climb. Now this is where the album gets really interesting. Let the CD run for 5 minutes and in thumps the crushing guitars of a cover of Rage Against the Machine’s Killing in the Name of showing that Joe has put all the unpleasantness of last Christmas behind him. You don’t believe me do you? It’s really there I promise.
Joe comes across as being the classic nice guy so it is a shame for him that come next year he will be more than likely be forgotten about replaced by someone less likeable but with more interesting songs.
Listen if you like: George Michael , Scissor Sisters and South Shields.
Stand Out Tracks: Ambitions, Until the Stars Run Out, Fahrenheit
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