Take Away Those Children In Need

Children in Need, X Factor, The Trip



Children in Need (It’s Charity/10)
When I was wee my family always had a Children in Need/Red Nose Day tradition that I have carried on, but now that I am older and more cynical it really isn’t that nice and I don’t want you to judge me for it.

We order take away!

We sit in our warm house and gorge ourselves on the best of grease in a box and watch those hungry unfortunate blighters until we feel bloated and guilty enough to donate. Just a couple of quid mind, not the value of the take away we couldn’t possibly afford that.

But we shouldn’t let cynicism effect traditions, just ask the pope.

If it makes you think better of me this year’s takeaway was pretty poor. We were staying in the countryside you see and the problem with ordering ethnic food in the country side is that there is no one from a relevant ethnicity to cook it. The only Indian that I have seen in the town is an accountant and I am reliably informed it would be counter to good race relations to expect him to be able to cook a curry let alone deliver it. When I once raised the lack of ethnic diversity it was pointed out to me that a gentleman on a neighbouring farm had started breeding alpaca, so I guess things are improving.

Anyway back to the Idiot Box:

This year’s award for the most genuinely amusing skit goes to Coronation Street and Eastender’s who offered up not their usual tongue in cheek musical number but a mini sit-com which saw the inhabitants of aforementioned areas partaking in a cultural exchange. Highlights included an Asian off between the two soaps Indian families, (think goodness gracious me in reverse) and one up man ship between Gail ‘the Gerbil’ Platt and her Eastender’s counterpart on the subject of who married the biggest psychopath.

The news casters put in their usual amount of effort, but it was disappointing to see the male newsreaders take a backseat to the girls. Has Jeremy Paxman ever partaken in a musical number? I would personally donate very generously to see him singing a song of disproportionate joy to his personality.

X Factor 5/10

X-Factor exposed two things this week the first being the train of stupid that is Cheryl Cole and the genuine (as opposed to pantomime) nastiness of Simon Cowell.
Following Wagner’s performance Cheryl Cole decided to unleash some rehearsed fury on Wagner sighting some remarks that he had made to a journalist about her being from a council estate. Whilst this wasn’t the time and the place for grievance to be aired Wagner handled it brilliantly pointing out the unreliability of the British media and talking about her as a role model in glowing terms.

On a separate note they have obviously decided to continue to mispronounce Wagner’s name as some kind of joke, not only is this unbelievably rude it also makes them all look rather stupid as Wagner isn’t exactly an uncommon pronunciation. World famous composer, anyone? I don’t think that even the most ignorant of the panel isn’t aware of this.

Cheryl Cole, the ‘mentor’ of Cher Lloyd (you know the one who raps a bit and was looking slightly relevant at the start of the show). We were led to believe that this week John Lennon’s Imagine was chosen for her to sing by Cheryl, we were also led to believe that Cheryl (as we are with all the mentors) chose the cleaver spiral stair case staging. For those of you who didn’t know a spiral staircase was pertinent as it was modelled on that of the Bank St apartment shared by John and Yoko. Mr. Cowell clearly was aware of this and pressed Cheryl on her reasons for making the choice knowing full well that the choice hadn’t been hers and that she was clueless about its relevance but also knowing that she had to act as though the decision was entirely hers. For anyone still under any illusions that ‘mentors’ actually play much of a role I think this is some more evidence to contradict that script.

The Trip 4/10

I’ve decided. I don’t like it that much. The melancholy drama is genius but the improvised dialogue in the restaurants gets a little tedious.
I’m going to see Harry Potter tonight… Just so you know…

A Partridge Taster Menu with Extra Cock au D'Affaires

The Apprentice 7/10
Alan Partridge: Mid Morning Matters 8/10
The Trip ???



So this is a little bit late (again), but I don’t care and neither should you. We all have lives away from the internet. Get off my back will you, you’re not my boss. Just fuck off. I’ve brought more to this team than anyone. I have given 110%, alright. I have worked my arse off since moment one, I really am the best person for this job and I have so much more to give.

You may have guessed that ‘The Apprentice’ is on again and whilst still enjoyable it does seem to have moved yet further away from its original concept. The early series would pit savvy decision makers against salesmen and strategists. The most recent series cast Nobs against Cocks and like in any fencing contest between two baloney ponies all participants end up looking stupid once the event has been edited and broadcast stressing not the sporting intention of the contest but frankly making the whole thing look a little bit gay.
Contestants this year are on the whole conforming to the following statements: Arrogance over Ability and Rhetoric over Action. Which, if any of the producers had done the maths they would have seen the result:

Ability=a= 4
Arrogance=g= 77344
Rhetoric=r= 1740240
Action=n= 45
(g/a)+(r/n) = (77344/4)+(1740240/45)=58008
Now turn the calculator upside down, and there you have it Boobs.

All the same humongous dicks are funny to watch although when we are honest we are all glad we don’t have one to work with (titter).

Last week saw the internet return of Mr Allan Partridge. Sadly Mr Coogan couldn’t be cajoled into another series featuring the hapless chat show host (or thankfully a film) wanting to instead cast off the character and move into film. However the money must have been right from Fosters who have sponsored a series of ten minute shorts from Partridge’s 'show' on North Norfolk Radio. It is basically all the best bits of foot in mouth fun without the narrative drama that accompanied the series. The quite brilliant Tim Key makes an appearance in this first episode and all in all the show provides a great coffee time chortle. The choice of format is interesting and I wait to see if it is judged to be a success.
Watch it here and drink some bland Australian beer http://goo.gl.n23cZ

Also Coogan was out and about on the telly with Rob Brydon in Episode Two of The Trip (Directed by no less than Michael Winterbottom). I still don’t know what to say. It is one of those comedies that you don’t laugh at and is therefore difficult to talk about. I have decided that I like it… Other than that I really don’t know. Feel free to contribute your own feelings on this one. I may actually write a proper review of it one day…

Do you have the X Factor? No but I do have a massive wang.

The Inbetweeners Series Three 8/10
The X Factor 6/10

This week’s TV digest will focus on some nobs acting like pricks and some dicks singing in front of a panel of golden wangs. In honour of one (or both) of these programs it may also contain one or two phallic references.

So let us get started with the Inbetweeners. For those of you who don’t know the Inbetweeners follows some ‘typical’ teenage boys (typical in that they are colossal wankers) and is written by at least one of the brains that brought us ‘Flight of the Conchords.’ Will, a socially awkward geek has to transfer from a private school to the local comprehensive to complete his A-levels. There he is befriended by three misfits: lovable but easily led Simon, brash and boastful Jay and Neil who is as thick as two short planktons. Series Three finds the quartet in the upper sixth and still pre-occupied by the holy trinity of booze, parties and ‘clunge’ (a new word for me but one that apparently refers to a vagina as in the phrase “Balls deep in clunge.”)

I am so ashamed that I like this program that was I to be watching it in your presence I wouldn’t laugh, quite the opposite. I would dig my nails (specially grown for the occasion, you didn’t just drop in) into my thighs and think of Gordon Brown speaking on fiscal prudence instead of letting you know which nob joke or teenage sexual fallacy I found so amusing. I have to admit that the show does parallel some of my school experience (although the characters do seem to be a little old for some of their behaviour) I certainly met a Neil and the Jay character can be found in all schools private or comprehensive. In honour of Jay I will leave this section with my top three sex boasts that I remember hearing at school:

3. “Yeah we do all sorts, last night she tit wanked in front of me.” It turned out he believed a ‘tit wank’ was when a girl QUOTE: “Wanks her nipple till milk comes out.”
2. I had sex at the top of the Eiffel Tower with a French girl I met in the lift. I don’t have her name or number because she didn’t speak English.
1. I broke my wrist when I was fingering a bird on the bus and it hit a bump.

Now that we have dealt with that filth let us move on to the glitter infused, self-congratulatory public stooge fest that is the X Factor.

The X Factor is currently in that awkward phase of the program where most of the nutters have been weeded out but the field still stinks of mediocrity. Few of us in the public have much invested in any of the acts and at this point we can all pick out at least five contestants who will be making their way to the openings of grim shopping centres over the next five weeks or so. Yet we watch. This weekend’s shows offered the following highlights:

• The Arctic Monkey’s arrangement of ‘Diamonds are Forever’ being dragged out from somewhere.
• Katie singing a song from the jungle book.
• Rebecca Fergusson appearing with what appeared to be her abscess twin attached to her hip.

I would like to comment on one final thing, the length of the program. Where the hell is all the extra content coming from? The format certainly hasn’t changed. I have a theory; let us look at the Cream egg: 1.They are definitely getting smaller each year. 2. You can’t destroy or create energy. Conclusion: that bastard Simon Cowell is shrinking our cream eggs and using the left over energy to make the X factor longer than ever.

Tut tut Simon Tut tut.