Matt Baker Mates His Sheep, One Direction Are Ploughed Down By Ann Widdecombe who is Being Hunted By Hounds

It’s the weekend, it’s way past pay day, it’s snowing like a “muva fuker” outside (or so I am reliably informed by my brother’s facebook status.) the result of the aforementioned being that it has been a weekend of intense TV viewing. All those jolly festive songs fail to sum up how tedious this can be.

The weather outside is frightful,
The TV is so inviting,
And Since we’ve no place to go,
We can watch a drawn out results show.

This week someone sneezed in the direction of Casa de X-Factor causing all contestants to be struck down by what is known in the biz as the snivels. Boo Fucking Hoo! I’m not saying that people shouldn’t moan about getting a cold. It’s fucking awful and the only way to find happiness in such a situation is to spread your misery by telling people how shitty you feel. BUT there has to be a line drawn somewhere and using ITV as your germy, moaning, woe is me mouth piece has to be crossing that line.

One Direction (who must surely now be the favourites to win this year) performed chasing cars which was fitting for a band made up of five lads who look like puppies. But we all know what happens when you let puppies play on the road, accidents happen and this week’s accident happened over on the BBC where Ann Widdecombe (of backward bigotry fame) got voted off, meaning that the British viewing public will no longer have the option of seeing a graceless homophobe being dragged around a dance floor by a man with presumably enough gay friends to warrant dropping her on her noggin.

Sunday, that was cold. So cold that I watched countryfile. Which always reminds me of Sunday visits to my Gran's, where we would be shushed whilst the weather was on so she could concentrate on the taking of copious notes. She would then consult this book to check the weather for anyone professing an interest in visiting her during the next week. She is a bit of an odd lady but bloody organised, may I suggest a role for her in government, transport secretary perhaps or snow tsar.

This weeks countryfile consisted of twinkle toes Durham darling Matt Baker mating his sheep and spreading his hay. So far so countryside. Next was hunting with blood hounds, sounds controversial? yes? Well not to worry they dodged this bullet by hunting a woman. So, not controversial atall you see.

Next week will be the jumbo x-factor results post Ooo I bet you can hardly wait.