Five Things I Love About The BBC

I am a little bit on my high horse this week and telling jokes from such a beast is particularly difficult so please excuse the dry nature of this post.

This week there has been a lot of debate about cuts that the BBC face mainly due to the unique way in which it is funded. The Murdoch media seem to want rid of the BBC sighting reasons of competition. This could be an extremely persuasive argument but for the fact that I am choosing to stick my fingers in my ears for two reasons: One, my extremely limited understanding of economics and two, my belief that the Great British public occasionally need to be treated like a hyperactive toddler reaching for a fist full of lolly pops. Let loose in the sweet shop I believe that commercial TV would quickly pander to the lowest common denominator leaving us with hundreds of channels chock full of reality TV reruns and sham docu-soaps.

The BBC does things that no other commercial broadcaster would do. Why wouldn't any other broadcaster do these things? Simple, they would lose money. I am talking about programs that are either so extortionately expensive to make or programs that cater to such a specialist audience that no advertiser would touch it with a sterilised government issued socialist barge poll. Here are five things that I love about the BBC and you should too.


1. News Coverage at home and abroad.

The news coverage provided by the BBC is world famous for its quality and reliability. There is no reason that commercial news channels shouldn't be able to match this quality but I am always far more suspicious of hidden agenda's buried within the stories of ITN and SKY. That being said the BBC isn't exactly a bastion of unbiased opinion. It does sometimes lean shamelessly to the left and its science reporting on magazine style news shows is often as suspect as its competitors but overall there is a quality about the BBC not replicated elsewhere. To sum up its news coverage I would simply say “I Trust The BBC.”

2. It's British

We British like to think of ourselves as being a complicated bunch, in fact we like to flatter ourselves into thinking that we are one of the most complicated nations on earth. This is unquestionably untrue and smacks of an anti-Copurnicus attitude steaming from times of Empire. However, untrue as it may be this is the spirit of our nation and the BBC captures it perfectly with Snog Marry Avoid on BBC3, QI on BBC 2, Eastenders on BBC 1 Behind the Scenes at the Museum on BBC 4 and Pincidh Dincidh Du on BBC Alba. the last of these channels producing programming that is only comprehensible to 0.5% of 61 million people. Even an advertiser that specialises in producing whiskey filtered through haggis flavoured kilts wouldn't support BBC Alba yet it exists. Because of the way that the BBC is funded it can cater to these audiences that would otherwise be totally neglected.

3. Live Music Programming

When the BBC record a live band it sounds amazing. Always and without exception. Years of know how, quality equipment and the best engineers have made television and radio broadcasts of live music on the BBC simply the best.

4. Documentaries

The BBC's nature and science documentaries are exported all over the world because they are brilliant. The BBC would be able to continue its flagship natural history documentaries due to these sales even if funding was cut entirely. What they wouldn't be able to do would be to continue in the production of the niche and obscure documentaries that just this week have covered subjects as diverse as quantum physics, the social history of the sitcom, an in-depth look at the process of putting on a ballet, the beauty of diagrams, the history of the working classes, medieval religious architecture the blues and farming to name just a few. The BBC gives us British the option to be better educated and expand our horizon and our sphere of knowledge to places that only a university education might otherwise have taken us.

5. Radio Four

It's mental. Turn it on right now. I bet you learn something. Or hear something odd or something funny or engaging or incomprehensible. Go on do it. Start listening to it in your car and the quality of your chat will improve by at least 50% that isn't an opinion that is a cold hard untested scientific fact.

I'm on holiday next week but your normal program of low brow poo slinging will resume shortly.

The Vaccines and Strokes

This week I have been listening to two new albums, one from either side of the pond as the Atlantic has come to be known. I am not a fan of this metaphor as when taken to its logical end we find that it is the Americans with the grand house (grand enough at any rate to call the Atlantic a pond) and us humble Brits living in some kindly allowed granny house at the bottom of the garden just beyond the aforementioned water feature.

The Vaccines: What did you Expect From The Vaccines: 6/10

Let us begin at home with the Vaccines. I have read extensively about an anti vaccination movement that is sweeping America due to a poor understanding of Science and celebrities worrying their pretty little heads about it and magazines being all too keen to print what ever nonsense these pretty little heads have to say about absolutely anything. We (the British) are somewhat to blame for this state of affairs as we let the farther of the movement a Dr (now struck off)Andrew Wakefield be born, live, work and publish on our shores (You know the MMR, fuck the science fruit loop). Well now, as way of apology the UK has produced not just 'a' vaccine but 'The Vaccines' who like their names sake take just a little bit of something (The Clash, The Ramones, California Pop Punk and New York Shoe Gazers) and inject it into something to produce bla de blar...(I have walked too far down this metaphorical garden path only to discover it leads no where.)

The Vaccines have been much lauded by the media and appeared highly placed on the BBC's sound of 2011 list. This however is no guarantee of success or quality I'm sure the Twang once appeared on this list. Were the Vaccines a Californian band then this album would be been a pop punk flash in the pan. Who knows maybe a few singles may have made it to our shores, as it is the Vaccines are British and therefore instead of a polished pop poop they have given the world an album that is slightly rough round the edges and in places sounds like it was recorded in a tin can garden shed circa 1979. With off mic comments that are still audible in the mix and amps over run with reverb that give the album a live urgency as opposed to the sterile sound of our Cowell/Fuller overlords.

On an aside note British bands have the best lyrics, I'm not offering it for debate just stating it as a matter of fact. There is nothing lyrically brilliant in the Vaccines album but there is some kind of unique sensibility, black humour and desperation that few mainstream acts outside of Britain commit to record. There isn't much to dislike about this album. It is nothing ground breaking and wares its influences on its sleeve but pop music performed by real musicians pisses all over that produced by pre pubescent boys and music moguls. Not that I would ever accuse the Vaccines of pissing on pre pubescent boys, but saying that I don't know them and London folk are a little odd.

The Stokes: Angles: 8/10

The Strokes are back with their fourth album. I bet no one predicted that happening after the solo successes Albert Hammond Jr and Julian Casablanca but happen it has and they have pulled out all the stops not to sound like The Strokes and in doing so have only managed to sound even more like The Strokes.

The opening track has a Reggie sound and a structure more complex than you average Strokes track but by track two, which is the lead single 'Under the Cover of Darkness we find our selves on familiar territory with classic sounding and signature garage production, clashing guitars that duel across the verses and call to mind the excellent Reptilla. Except something is different, very different. I'm not staining to here the lyrics, they are high in the mix and have more than a few notes that are sung with real confidence all of which done without the mask of the broken mic distortion that was hidden behind most notably on their first record. Your So Right is where The Strokes mould is truly broken with a song that has a sinister electronic base and layered vocals that give a new dynamic to the band that I would have never suspected that they had it in them.

I was sure that the Strokes were a band running out of steam but for me this album marks a definite transition from indie fashion darlings with little substance beyond a few pop tunes into a serious 'albums band' but will anyone still care by the time their next album is out? I hope so. Even with all these changes The Strokes remain a band that sound like no other band than The Strokes.

Wonders of the Depravity of Reality Tv Producers.

I'm back! What do you mean was I gone? I've been gone for weeks and your saying that you didn't even notice that I was away! Well that's just fine! No I mean it. Fine! To make up for my being away for so long this post was going to be epic. It was going to make you laugh and then cry. It was going to contain a nipple slip and a clip of a symphony that I have composed made up entirely of brown notes and notes oscillating at a frequency that would tickle you pleasure centre like a dildo covered in sexy ants. And only then, after your cacophony of shitting ecstasy, would you get a pissey review of a film with which to remind your selves how lost you were without my guidance.

But seeing as though you have barely noticed my being away (I have web statistics as evidence) I will proceed straight on to the reviews with none of the aforementioned grandstanding.

TV is awful at the moment. Usually I have around four shows with which I try to keep up with but at the moment that number is down to just one, that being the reintroduction of Prof Brian Cox and his wonders of the universe. The wonder of wonders is the wonderful way in which it avoids dumbing down. Brian Cox stands behind you coaxing you along “come on, you can do this, I know it's hard but trust me, stick with it look, see, you do get it you cleaver bastard. Now go down to the pub and talk about the reverse entropy involved in downing a pint. Go on your friends will love you for it.”

At the other end of the scale there has been a slightly worrying trend in reality competition TV. That being the inclusion of additional elements into the mix making shows all the more convoluted and often sinister. In the early days of reality TV we had shows like Airport. Where we followed the lives of those working in the airport. There were no winners, no losers, the show took a loose documentary format and became what was termed a docusoap. Were that to be broadcast now the passengers on the plane would probably vote on the quality of trolley dolly service with the winner receiving a book deal and a meals on wheels franchise and the looser being ejected from the plane some where over Greenland.

This week my attention was drawn towards a frankly frightening program broadcast some where deep in the realms of Sky TV. I am going to outline the concept of the program, but you wont believe me. You are probably going to think that I have ripped off a joke from Allan Partrige or Jack Donaghy, but I haven't. It is true, every word of it.

The Show is called Bridalplasty and it combines elements from The Generation Game, America's Next Top Model, Big Brother, The Apprentice, Extreme Make Over, Amazon DOT com and The Book of Revelation. Brides to be live together in a house and vote weekly to get rid of the other brides until one remains and is declared the winner. So far, so standard. This is where it starts to get what can only be described as 'fucked up.' Each of the 'brides to be' has a grizzly 'wish list' of plastic surgery. These typically contain nose jobs, boob enlargements, tummy tucks, face lifts and other stuff that I don't know about nor care to discuss. Each week there are a series of generation game style challenges, the episode I was subjected to had quite a quaint game in which the brides were presented with two of various foods associated with weddings, one of which was of a premium variety and the other was from a dollar store with a little extra ingredient such as compost in the cake. The brides would then have to successfully identify the quality product. Imagine this on Bruce Forsyth's generation game and you will see smiles and gentle encouragement from the host and fellow contestants alike. Not so on Bridalplasty! The host berates the contestants and keeps asserting that the purpose of the game (or test as she refers to it) is to determine who is the classiest and who is trash. Footage of the game is intersected by cut-aways of contestants bad mouthing each other in interviews recorded after the event. The winner of the competition becomes top bride for the week is whisked away to have her surgery and can't be voted out that week. Later she is returned to the house to stay in the recovery room (usually looking something like Frankenstein's monster, cue more bitching). Then some kind of vote takes place and one bride is eliminated. In the long run those eliminated early are unquestioningly the winner as they get to return to their fiancé unscathed by surgery.

I don't think the show requires a review the above description will suffice.

Don't have nightmares.

Three Super Quick Music Reviews

Cold War Kids, Mine Is Yours 7/10

Cold War Kids have another album out, yeah I didn’t realise either. For fans of numbers this is actually their third album but you may not have noticed as there has been little fan fayre about the band since their opening effort ‘Robbers and Cowards’ topped many muso lists. Their second album was somewhat more of the same with the same hissing retro sounding recordings and a ‘passion over tunefulness’ approach. Expecting more of the same I was instantly hit by the plush almost pop production on this album. The yelps of the vocalist and the hammering of percussion are still there but it no longer sounds like it has been recorded on a reluctant tape deck in a soviet bunker. Many won’t like the new polished sound but these would be the same people who go off punk bands as they become proficient on their instruments. Cold War Kids are evolving and maybe in 5 more albums could be as radio friendly as The Script (which means that this could be their peak.)

Adele, 21, 7/10

Pop music used to be short for popular music. Now it is usually short for turgid half thought out throw away music peddled by the fame hungry and PR people rather than artistic intent or, god forbid, talent. Good ‘potential pop’ is far too quickly relegated to specialist playlists where commercial radio wont dream of touching it and mainstream audiences won’t hear it meaning it will never be popular and therefore never be described as pop music. That is why I was so happy to see the return of Adele. An unlikely looking pop star (always a good barometer for talent) Adele has a beautiful voice that screams soul. Lush arrangements, velvet production and spotless vocals give this album the same timeless sound as her first. The album is uncompromising in its approach which is clearly artist driven and makes no concession to what has been riding high in the charts in the years since her debut (except for some suspicious Florence’esq harps in ‘He Won’t Go’) The cream will always rise to the surface but much of it becomes tainted by the turds that also have a nasty habit of floating, Adele has dodged this brown bullet and I look forward to 23, 26, 35, and 40.

Chase and Status, No More Idols, 3/10

Do you have an 1856 Mecklenburg-Schwerin Stamp? If you do get it out now you’re going to use it as a visual aide. Imagine how much information you could fit on the back of it. If the subject upon which you were writing was ‘All I know about dance music’ and it were I who was doing the writing then there would be comfortable room for illustrations (That was a joke for the philatelists boom ya!) I only know of Chase and Status for some pretty nifty leftfield remix work on some indie tracks. I would have preferred to have not listened to the album and only have this memory of them. Unfortunately some things can’t be undone…

I should be talking about the Oscars I really should...But I'm not.

I could and probably should be blogging about the Oscar nominations and the strange absence of Chris Nolan from the best director category. I could, should but won’t. I will save this discussion for Oscars night.

Instead I am going to bore you with a favourite topic of mine, the infantilization and anti-intellectual prevalence of those programmes lauded by ITV. The looking glass for this post being this year’s British Television Awards.

Let us cast a casual eye over some of the categories, have a moan and maybe even suggest our own less popularist winners. (I have actually started this post without looking at either the winners or the nominees, poor journalism I know but I work for a company that prints the Daily Mail so I think some of its journalistic rigour has rubbed off on me… And now I have had a look at the nominations and the list is massive so I will instead just focus on the winners.)

Serial Drama: Eastenders

So the award went to the misery porn that is Eastenders. Apparently those in the know at the Olympic committee settled on London for 2012 after being locked in a room and subjected to the ‘enders. They then decided that London needed something to smile about so gave them the Olympics, little did they know that the Eastenders misery would spread to Coronation Street and Emmerdale this year and we would be now planning for a budget games with such events as pushing in the dole queue and hunting tax avoiders on hijacked horse back.

I declare the alternative winner for this category to be… Reading. Each day the TV is taken over by soaps for about 75% of the evening this is the perfect time to pick up a book, or to pick your nose or an STD or pretty much anything other than to watch telly.

Drama: Waterloo Road.

Watching Waterloo Road is like watching a greatest hits compilation of actors from the bill (RIP)and other long running soaps. Surely Being Human or Downtown Abby would have been more expected/deserving winners. But looking down the list cinematography and script really aren’t top of the criteria for whoever was voting.

Comedy Programme: Benidorm

Was this on again? I do quite like it when I sit down to watch it but not enough to regularly make time in my busy days. The stereotype of a Brit abroad does seem a little tired, that is until you visit Benidorm or where ever the middle aged hang out to eat steak and ale pie in 30 degree heat. Personally this year I would have given the award to The Inbetweeners for their three solid series of tongue in cheek cringe a minute humour. The Inbetweeners did win the digital choice award but I’m not entirely sure what that is.

Entertainment Presenter: Ant and Dec

My winner for this would have been an equally popular choice. I would have gone with Mr Dermot O’Leary whose sly knowing looks and wink and a nod charm showed intelligence above the format of and history of X-Factor. Ant and Dec are starting to look a little old and a little tired and for the life of me I don’t know why they are still so loved. What exactly do they do? How much of their scripts do they write? Do they act, sing, dance or do anything other than read half-heartedly off an auto cue and giggle to one another as they have another year spared the final celebrity indignity of appearing on the stinky side of the I’m a celebrity divide.

And Finally… Best Factual Programme: Top Gear.

What the fuck. It was clearly The History of Horror with Mark Gatiss, end of discussion.

White Lies Ritual 4/10

A very short review for this album.

If you don't have all the Cds by Editors then spend your money on them instead and then the back catalogue of Interpol and then the departure and then buy some flowers for someone special. All would be better ways of spending your hard earned. Production aside there is nothing here that is out of the ordinary or stretching above the precipice of the trench of mediocrity that is mainstream indie at the moment.

Black Swan 7/10

Black Swan 7/10

I am afraid that this film will be for ever, in my mind at least, associated with the events that proceeded its viewing. Firstly, upon leaving I overheard some hapless chap comment to his girlfriend that he didn’t really get the film and asked which of the two swans was supposed to be the ugly duckling. Next, whilst travelling down one of Newcastle’s darker alleys we happened across two gentlemen engaged in a tiff and witnessed the Neanderthal (pronounced correctly, did you? did you!) behaviour of two local hoodlums who had stripped to the waist and were engaged in what looked like a cross between boxing and jelly wrestling. How they are describing their run in this evening I don’t know but from the angle that we watched the incident was more than a little homoerotic. Finally we arrived at my car, where some dick had seen fit to smash in the window. What followed was a slightly chilly trip up the motor way sitting on the car mats so as to not slice my derriere on the infeasible amount of broken glass on my seat.

Now to the film review:

For those of you who don’t know the story of Black Swan here comes the plot: Natalie Portman is a ballerina and she loses her shit quite spectacularly, far more spectacularly than one would imagine for a film that is been marketed to the mainstream in this way.

"Have you seen Requiem for a Dream?" was a question I wish I had asked everyone at the cinema before the film commenced. I am sure that the crowds would be significantly reduced if more folk in the viewing had. Not, you must understand because Requiem for a Dream is a bad film, far from it in fact. Requiem for a Dream is a film that caused me to have a physical reaction. I liken watching it to having a panic attack and who would want to sit through that experience a second time. Black Swan did manage to get the heart racing with panic tinged spirals of turmoil but ultimately failed to sustain this reaction in parallel to the characters transformation. The film was even guilty of the cheap horror tactics of BOO! *shriek.*This is not to say that I didn’t still think it was excellent. The intensity nob really did need to be turned down to get Aronofsky the audience that he deserves and the success of this film should buy him the control to turn the bonkers back to eleven for his next film. As it was, this film took all that was left over from the understatement of the kings speech and any other ‘understated film’ produced this year and ploughed it into a melodrama so big that it has developed its own gravitational pull and is orbited by little planets of dancing misery.

I’m not one to usually focus on visuals, quite frankly because I’m not a big enough film buff to judge them excellent or poor. But there are passages of this film with long scenes of dancing and pensive looks all of which are lit and shot in such a way that they more closely resemble a film art installation than a major Hollywood production.

Once again the success of Black Swan is proving that audiences are ready to be tested by mainstream Hollywood output. The success of this film paired with that of Inception will hopefully lead to more risk taking by those with the commissioning cheques and a more fulfilled audience ready to take bigger risks with their hard earned time and money on their cinema trips.